Christmas & Country Grammar
Weekly Shot #27
Some people remember Christmas by the gifts they were given. Some people remember Christmas by the gifts they wanted and never got. And some people, like me, remember Christmas by the view of firewood burning, or the album Superstar Christmas playing throughout the house, or the smell of pernil and pine needles that filled up my nostrils on Christmas Eve. Christmas for me was never really about the gifts. My parents always got me what I wanted, but that wasn’t the point of Christmas at all. Looking back at old home videos you might find me screaming like a lunatic when I received what I wanted from Santa but now I can barely remember a single gift I was actually given. I’m not sure if this is due to the couple of concussions received in my football career or that the more important things like feeling loved or feeling fed or feeling safe have overridden any superficial memories like receiving a Playstation console. But there are two gifts I remember as if I received them this morning…
#1 – A Philadelphia Eagles Helmet Clock
Christmas Eve is always held at my house. My entire family comes over for pernil (pork shoulder with the crunchy skin that causes fights for the best pieces) and empanadas and copious amounts of drink. It is the most hilarious affair you can imagine. Half of my family being Dominican, Cuba, and Puerto Rican raises the volume of the evening to concert level highs. The other half of my family is Irish and Slovakian and you would think they would be drowned out by the sheer decibel level of the Hispanic side but instead, in order to be heard, quadruple their own output and volume. It is a raucous affair and at the end, with my mother in all but tears of relief that the night is over, used to allow me and my sister the opening of one gift before going to bed. She would put the gifts we were allowed to pick from in a little pile, saving the really good ones for Christmas morning, and usually the one we picked always happened to be pajamas. But, one year, I opened up a Philadelphia Eagles Helmet clock.
I loved the gift because I love the Eagles and always dreamed of playing NFL football. So, of course, I needed batteries in it ASAP and needed the clocks to match. Little did I or my family know that the clock was pre-set to have an alarm because…who the fuck would ever think an alarm was pre-programmed? Lo and behold the alarm clock went off in my ear at 3:30 AM (because I was sleeping with it clutched in my hands). I didn’t know it was 3:30 AM, I just knew that the alarm clock went off which meant it was time to get up and see what Santa brought me. I ran through the house yelling, “It’s Christmas, it’s Christmas,” and that year woke my entire family up to open gifts at 3 fucking 30 AM. My parents being the best parents rolled with it and by 6 AM all the gifts were opened and we were all passed out on the couch, exhausted.
#2 – Country Grammar
People born in a specific era know exactly what I am talking about when I say the most memorable gift I’ve ever received was Country Grammar. But for those who don’t, I am referring to the debut album by the rapper Nelly. I remember opening the gift like it was yesterday because the absolute menace on the front cover was both shocking and exhilarating for the ten-year old suburban white boy who opened it.
You can’t imagine what opening up a beautifully wrapped CD and seeing a dude who looked as big as the St. Louis Arch with a chain and a tattoo that says Lunatic across his stomach did to my young brain. To say I was excited to hit play on this album was an understatement. I don’t think I opened up any other gifts after. I ran to my room, grabbed my CD player and headphones, and hit play.
In defense of my mother, she DID NOT know that she bought the explicit version. I think she thought that the Parental Advisory warning on the album cover meant that the curses were in fact bleeped out. I get it. That can be confusing. But when I hit play I realized very quickly that she did not get me the bleeped out version.
After the intro with Cedric The Entertainer leaving Nelly a voicemail (rollin around hea in a big body benz wit two dollars wortha gas), the first song is called St. Louie. The opening lyrics go as follows:
You can find me in St. Louay
Where the gunplay ring all day (na-na-na)
Some got jobs and some sell yay
Others just smoke and fuck all day
My jaw was somewhere near the basement. I clutched my pearls. I couldn’t believe the words I was hearing. Little sweet innocent ten-year-old Alex was introduced to rap in the most raw way possible and to say I was hooked on rap music going forward is an understatement. To me and my generation, the album is by far the best debut solo rap album ever made (2nd – Get Rich or Die Tryin & 3rd – College Dropout). Though many people don’t give Nelly the credit he deserves, he really made it insanely popular to use melody in the hoodest of rap. He wasn’t the first to do it, but he was for sure the most listened to. Four years before Kanye West’s College Dropout songs like Country Grammar (Hot Shit) and Ride Wit Me had people singing the craziest lyrics. When I finally played the album for my mom in the car she was both mortified and hooked and we would sing Ride Wit Me together at full volume. In the wise words of Nelly, “Who said pretty boys can’t be wild”.
To this day I know every damn lyric to every damn song on that album. My personal favorites are Utha Side, Batter Up, and the last song on the album, my favorite song ever written in any genre ever, Luven Me. If you’ve never heard the song, I highly suggest you give it a listen.
This song holds a very special place in my heart. Fast forward 15 years after first listening to it and I am on my first date with my future wife. We’re driving home from a nice dinner and talking about our favorite music. I mentioned the album Country Grammar and my wife said it was her favorite album too. I was shocked. I thought the album was forgotten about and that I was the only person who still listened to it on a regular basis.
The wife and I went on to listen to our favorite songs, knowing every word, falling more in love with every single lyric the other one knew. And then Luven Me came on. She said she thought she was the only person who knew this song back to front…but then she met me. She couldn’t believe I knew every single word. We sang every lyric, word for word, and we both screamed the part where Nelly says, “Need money? My boo will go and work the avenue, my boo will fuck you up if I ask her to!” Though I am wary if my boo would ever go work the avenue, she’ll definitely fuck you up if I ask (again, she’s Sicilian). We then went on to know every shoutout that goes on for the last minute of the song (Herky Jerk!).
From that day on we have barely spent a minute apart and now we are getting ready for Christmas morning with our two daughters. Christmas isn’t always about gifts but sometimes a gift can change the course of a person’s life. So thank you Mom (and Dad, even though he was surprised at half the gifts I ever got) and Nelly. I can’t say that without the album my wife and I wouldn’t have ended up together, but I can say that loving the album Country Grammar certainly helped.
P.S. – Merry Christmas to anyone who has read my posts this past year. Means a lot, truly. Thank you.
I played this for my wife, who's a suburban Virginia Beach basic white girl....
She was absolutely aghast hearing some of my early-90s West and Gulf Coast rap collection after a date one night.
While I will say that Ice Cube's "Death Certificate" is one of the best albums ever, it's not something a twenty year-old Beach girl is ready to hear.....
No, she hasn't really incorporated that into her catalog. :-p
Not sure what I’m most envious of, the eagles clock or the fact that your parents were cool enough to buy you a Nelly cd. Lucky bastard.