Dear Mr. Steinbrenner

Weekly Shot #28

Dear Mr. Steinbrenner,

The day after Christmas the wife and I went to a comedy show. The headliner was Joey Diaz, a notoriously raunchy comic from New Jersey, preceded by two opening acts. The show was originally sold out at the Count Basie Theatre but luckily I know someone on the charity board who can acquire tickets that are being held for board members (thanks Mom!) Little did I know the tickets that were held were FRONT ROW tickets. If I had known such a thing I would have politely declined.

Why? Because the last thing you want to do at a comedy show is sit front row. You are a sitting duck for any good comic and if there is something off or wrong or noticeable about you it will be called out to an audience who will then surely laugh at your expense. Alas, my mother shelled out money for the tickets, I bought them from her, and off me and the wife went.

As a balding individual I figured, at the very least, one of the three comics would take a swing at my lack of hair follicles. A bald head is a bullseye for easy jokes. I personally like my sparkling dome. When haircuts started creeping into the $30 range I was thankful that my hair decided to give up and fall lifeless into the shower drain. Though I’ve saved a ton of money, and think I look just fine sans hair, it still stings a bit when I see pictures of my younger self with what can only be described as a wafro (white afro).

I am the only person in human history to have had the same hair as every Seinfeld character at some point (including Elaine)

To compound the bullseye that is a shaved head, I now shave my face. This is a new phenomenon. If it was up to me I’d keep a short beard or at the very least stubble. But it is not up to me. I didn’t shave my face for the show or for Christmas that just passed but for reasons that are near and dear to my heart. For reasons bigger than my own vanity. I now shave my face for my wife and daughters.

You see, Mr. Steinbrenner, the way my facial hair grows is out first. Eventually it falls down but for at least a two-week period the hair on my face shoots outward, sticking anyone in its vicinity like a porcupine. And for that two-week period my wife and kids hate kissing me. They would rather just give daddy one of those ass out hugs in order to not get their faces punctured by my spikey hair. During these periods, when I ask my three-year-old daughter for a kiss, she still gives it to me but winces in pain upon contact. During these periods, when I ask my wife for a kiss, she flat out says no. During these periods, when I try and kiss my one-year-old, she leans her head so far back she almost does a gainer out of my arms. It’s a travesty really. You know what I do instead? I shave every week. Why? Because I want to kiss my wife and kids, looks be damned.

So, Mr. Steinbrenner, I shaved my face and head the day before Christmas because I wanted to kiss my children on Christmas morning. I wanted the ability to stick my nose and lips so far into their cheeks it left a dent. I wanted my daughter to be so excited for the new bike Santa got the credit for that she couldn’t help but kiss ME on the cheek without wincing in pain. I wanted my wife to snuggle her face into mine while drinking coffee and watching the kids tear through their presents. It was all worth it Mr. Steinbrenner, until I attended that comedy show.

You can’t imagine the things these comics said about me. The opener took one look at me and said, “Jesus Christ, we got a cancer patient here in the front row. Give him a round of applause!” The second opener took one look at my wife, made a comment about how hot she was, and then said “She’s not only hot, she’s nice too. Look, she’s got a make-a-wish kid with her!” I sat there, I laughed, I took it on the chin because the reason I shave my face and head are bigger than me.

I don’t want to get all philosophical here Mr. Steinbrenner, but just hear me out for a second. Sports have always been about something bigger than the individual. They are a conduit to experience the breadth of human emotion. Sports are a way to make something serious out of a game, to play out a drama or a comedy in real time with no script. Sports may not be serious on the face but peel back a couple layers and you have the seriousness of the human condition playing out in real time. Winners. Losers. Joy. Heartbreak. It’s all right there once you get past the fact that these are just “grown men playing a kid’s game.” Sports are a way to get at something deeper and if they are not taken seriously there is no point in playing them.

For years your Yankees have taken playing the game of baseball seriously. Part of that reason is that you and your father have chosen to run the organization seriously. The shaving policy you recently threw out the window was one way of displaying that seriousness. I understand that times have changed, that grown men have realized they look like ugly shrews without facial hair, but that is no reason to have stopped the policy. If the shaving policy resembles the military then that is a good thing. War is a serious matter and it would look pretty ridiculous if our warriors weren’t all dressed in the same clothes with the same shaved faces. Sports is not war, I understand that, but it still should be taken seriously. A team should look the same in order to move in the same direction. The reason they should look the same is not some stupid rule. More than anything it shows that no one is above the team. It shows that grown men are willing to sacrifice something to be a part of it. I’ve sacrificed my facial hair to be a part of my family and been ridiculed in public for it. I think guys making millions of dollars a year can do the same to be a part of the New York Yankees.

Thank you for your time, Mr. Steinbrenner. If you need any help with policy decisions going forward, I know a guy…

Who needs Soto when you got Costanza?

P.S. – Dreadlocks should have always been allowed. Dreads rule.

P.P.S. – I know I sound like a boomer but I was born in 1990, I swear.

P.P.P.S. – Gleyber looks like an idiot with a beard.

P.P.P.P.S. – I haven’t stopped thinking about the conversation between George Steinbrenner and Lou Pinella at the Yankees facility in Fort Lauderdale. Lou mentioned to George that Jesus wore a beard and long hair, so why couldn’t he? George Steinbrenner looked out at a pond behind the facility and said to Lou, “Walk across that pond and you can have a beard and long hair.”

P.P.P.P.P.S. – Joey Diaz and his openers were fucking hilarious.