Election Slap 2024
After last week’s heavy topic, we are going to switch things up this week. To all the new subscribers, you signed up for this nonsense. To everyone who left (no one), smell ya later. Today’s topic is Election 2024. A topic that can turn even your nicest Grandparent into a raving lunatic. I didn’t say reading this Substack would be easy. But before you skip this one for fear things are going to get political, I have a question…
Do you know what Power Slap is?
Here’s a link for the uncultured.
This barbarity was started by Dana White, the legendary president of the UFC. Now look, I love the UFC. The skill and technique these warriors possess is second to none. To me, it is the best sport in the world and I want to profusely thank Dana White for believing in it and giving his whole life to it. I’ve spent hundreds of Saturdays pretending I was a jiujitsu master or shadow boxing ten beers deep while watching these gladiators in the cage (and hundreds of Sundays hungover beyond belief). The fights the UFC brings to us are not just a brutal spectacle of rage and violence, they hint at something deeper. Something human. There is a visceral connection to watching someone fight for his or her life and the more you watch the more you become invested in these people – their stories, their styles, their triumphs, and their defeats. There is a connection between each fan and fighter. You win when they win, you lose when they lose. The stories are universal. The only difference between the viewers and the fighters is that we wince at every leg kick that connects while they just keep on fucking fighting. With all that being said, and all the good that Dana White and the UFC have done, I can’t in good conscience get behind Power Slap.
I’m looking for a good derogatory term for someone whose brain doesn’t work very well but can’t find anything I’m allowed to use. After last week’s flirtation with being cancelled the higher ups at Hell or a Hangover Inc. have put me on a strict PC diet. So, I’ll just call the people who participate in this “sport” inbreds. Two relatives fornicating and then procreating is the only rational explanation for anyone to look like Prince William…or to participate in this monstrosity. Imagine, dead seriously, signing up for a slapping competition where there is only one of these two results in your near future - you are either standing there with a bloody face and broken jaw after a win or getting knocked unconscious. There are no other outcomes. Inbreeding is the only logical reason someone would think this is a good idea.
I find Power Slap to be the antithesis to the UFC. There is no skill. No technique. No heart. No nothing. If you have arms you can slap (apologies to all my armless subscribers). And only if you are inbred can you withstand these slaps. But whatever way you slice it, I will never be tuning in to watch.
Now with that being said, I am ALL in to switch up our democracy and trade in votes for slaps. Isn’t that what the founding fathers really had in mind? Popularity is great but what we really need is a presidential candidate to show their ability to give and take a hit. That’s what it must feel like to be president anyway. And it’s not like these candidates are showing any other skills. Every time a politician makes their way to a stage I cringe at what’s about to come out of their mouths. Lies, pandering, roweling up their base. They all deserve to be slapped. So why not let them slap the shit out of each other?
There are plenty of pluses here. This would weed out the geriatrics. I’m done with 70+ year olds thinking they can run the best country in the world. We need some young blood. We need people who weren’t born in the 1950’s. We could also televise it, make it pay per view, and use the proceeds to clean the drinking water in Flint (or fund another war!). And if one of these candidates actually dies, it was a sign from God that the person was never meant to lead. Game of Thrones shit. The upsides are endless.
Now – let us look at the players and betting odds for the 2024 Slap Election.
Ron DeSantis
Though he did just drop out of the Republican Primary race, I think he has potential here. If he decides to not wear his heeled boots any incoming slap might go over his head. Even if he is donning his platforms, I think he’ll be pretty good at this. Short guys can generate a lot of torque. He was also in the Navy (as a lawyer - lol) so there could be some power in his slaps. Considering he passed the “Don’t Say Gay Bill” he’ll also not have to deal with trash talk. I can just imagine Trump at the press conference:
“Ron DeSantis you are g…”
“Don’t say it. Not in my state.”
Because let’s be honest, the only state that would ever sanction this spectacle would be Florida. He’d be slapping on home turf. And you can’t ignore the fact that he is technically a Florida Man. We know those psychos can fight (an alligator or their own shadow strung out on meth).
Betting Odds: +250
RFK Jr.
This one’s tough. This guy has seen a lot of shit. Imagine watching your uncle and dad both get murdered for the world to see? People that have experienced that kind of loss have freakish strength. It’s like they’re holding all that hurt in and when they release it all hell breaks loose. He’s also one of the few in-shape candidates. I just saw him doing pull ups with Devon Levesque (@devonlevesque) last week. I can’t believe that’s a true sentence I just wrote. There’s also the fact that he’s never been jabbed. This can only help his virility. No myocarditis for this slapper. You also have to think RFK Jr’s voice can’t get any worse, so if someone misses and hits his throat he’ll be just fine. (That was a low blow, I’ll admit. But he’s my personal favorite here and would have my real life vote, so we’re even.)
The last consideration into RFK Jr’s odds is his wife. He’s married to Cheryl Hines (bites knuckles). How any of us believed a woman like that would marry Larry David in Curb Your Enthusiasm is suspension of disbelief at its finest. The reason his wife matters is because I can just imagine a scenario where he is about to begin the slap battle, he’s pumping himself up, taking deep breaths, he’s got the eye of the fucking tiger, and then he looks over at his wife to remember what he’s slapping for and there’s Joe Biden sniffing her hair. That would make anyone slap twice as hard.
Betting Odds: +150
Joe Biden
Speaking of sleepy Joe, he might be ko’ed before the slap battle even starts. He’ll get up to the podium and just collapse. Luckily, his corner man will be Hunter Biden who will have a bag of pharmaceuticals to resuscitate his comatose father. You thought smelling salts were good? Imagine cocaine. Joe might die and be brought back more times over the course of this Power Slap Election than Jesus. For this reason alone, I give him a pretty solid chance at tiring out his opponent and coming out with a victory.
Betting odds: +110
Donald Trump
The man you have all been waiting for. You either love him or hate him, but you can’t deny this guy puts asses in the seats. I would pay big money to watch Trump’s toupee get smacked off his goofy head. He’d be talking to his opponent - “Look at this loser. WHAT a loser…” and then pop, the orange piece of hair goes flying into the 3rd row while Melania is caught on camera thanking God she can finally stop pretending she wants to be the first lady.
The way Trump’s jaw moves like he’s hopped on amphetamines will not be a plus here. A strong jaw is crucial to surviving a slap and his will be weak from over work. The trash talk will be the key for him. He'll need to get in the head of his opponent long before any slapping occurs. But once the slapping starts, those small hands don’t stand a chance.
Betting odds: +350
Nikki Haley
Although she just lost the New Hampshire primary, she is the clear favorite in this competition. A Nikki Haley bitch-slap would be harder than anything these other “men” could muster, no? Have you ever been slapped by a woman? I actually haven’t (not counting my daughter), which might be the most shocking part of this post. Doesn’t mean I didn’t deserve it once or twice. Regardless, I’m happily married to a crazy lovely woman and I am still terrified of the prospect. Imagine the angriest woman you’ve ever seen loading up a right hand and all you can do is hold on and pray. I shiver to think of the end result. I just imagine my lifeless body splayed out on the canvas as the woman I’ve spurned screams a viscous war cry in my face.
Betting odds: -110
I’m thinking of starting a GoFundMe to make this all happen. It’s going to take some money to ratify the Constitution. But truthfully, I think this is what the country needs. We can all come together, crack a couple beers, root for our favorite candidates, and watch every single egomaniac who thinks they are smart enough to run for president get what they deserve.
P.S. - If Justin Trudeau were American and running for President he would get the brown face smacked off of him by any one of these candidates. Even Joe. Merica’.
P.P.S. – If I don’t get a Feraz Shere (@feraz.shere) reenactment of this, I will be very upset.