So, you're gonna be a girl dad...

With a two-year-old baby girl running my life and another one on the way, (congrats to me on the sex) I think it’s as good a time as any to address this topic. Becoming a parent was always a dream of mine. At some points in my life this dream was so far away you couldn’t see it with the Hubble Telescope. If you traveled back in time and asked college me about kids I was probably too drunk to answer. Then I met my crazy lovely wife and that dream became a reality.

I’m probably in the minority of dads who always wanted girls. It was a premonition that one day I’d be surrounded by them. So, I wanted to write a letter to the guy who is about to become a girl dad. The one who is shitting himself because he has no idea what to expect. The one who had that dejected face on video when pink spray shot out of one those tubes during the gender reveal. The one who is so terrified of raising a little girl because he his afraid of the woman she’ll become. Future girl dad - crack a beer, put your feet up, throw on John Mayer’s famous ballad Daughters, and let me take you on a little tour. This read might be one of the few remaining moments of relaxation you have left, so savor it.

Dear future girl dad,

You have possibly dreamed your whole life of having kids. Or maybe it was a whoopsie. Either way, you were hoping for a son. You couldn’t help it. You’re a fool or a narcissist and it’s not surprising you couldn’t imagine creating anything without a penis. If that makes you a misogynist, so be it. We are simple brained creatures and should be treated as such.

But I can assure you, you are one of the lucky ones.

If you do not have friends who have little boys, if you have never seen one of these psychopaths up close, then I will let you in on a little secret…it’s much harder than it looks. The majority are miniature monsters filled with testosterone looking to break, maim, or destroy anything in their path. Objects you didn’t think could be mistaken as something to throw will be thrown. Heights you didn’t think they would ever dare jump from will be jumped from. Just imagine yourself in college: you’re blacked out drunk with no control of your body and you end the night puking on yourself. Now shrink that guy down to about two feet tall and put a milk bottle in his hand. That’s what raising a little boy is like.

If you’re a boy dad reading this, check back in with me in fifteen years. You’ll be laughing as I sit on my front porch with a shotgun waiting for a guy to pick up my daughter for a date. But right now, you just have to concede the fact that us girl dads have it better.

This is not to say raising a girl is easy. Nothing about being a parent is. It is the toughest job you will ever hold. It’s like letting a little terrorist in your house who can’t speak but will still make extraordinary demands. Don’t let anyone fool you into thinking it’s a walk in the park. But for every low moment, for every time you wish the kid were a toy that could be turned off, you’ll find the highest of highs and then some.

To make the transition to girl dad easier I have laid out a few tips for you.

1 - I assume you have no remaining hair. If you do, just wait. It’ll be gone soon enough. Mine left long ago. Even if you have hair you have never grown it past your ears and thus have no idea how to tie hair. I would recommend practicing on a doll, then your wife, and if that doesn’t end in divorce move on to your naive and unsuspecting daughter. She will not know how ridiculous she looks when you’ve failed to push her bangs up into a proper ponytail or have left her with a sad excuse for a mullet. She will smile at you through the mirror regardless and your heart will melt into a puddle.

2- 8% of men are color blind. I find myself in that 8%. It’s not full blindness. I like to refer to it as color challenged. The simple act of getting my daughter dressed can be a dangerous game. Your daughter will love it when she gets dressed with daddy. It’ll start with a tickle fight, then you’ll blow a couple raspberries on her belly, and then you’ll present her to mom. The look on your wife’s face will be one of abject horror. She can’t believe you went with the Red Hot Chili Peppers shirt, highlighter yellow pants, mismatching socks, and a bright green bow to take her to a Christening. But hey, you thought it looked good. To avoid this situation, always ask your wife to put out your little girl’s outfit for you.

3 – Every male is now a predator. You will finally understand in your bones what it feels like to be utterly terrified. Embrace it. Look it square in the face. The mailman now has an ominous glint in his eye. Your male waiter has ulterior motives. Even the two-year-old boy she is playing with has some trick up his sleeve to steal your little girl away. This feeling is natural. Take a deep breath, remember that you’re not so bad of a guy, and if you do your job and are extremely lucky, the men in this world will see the goodness in her. And if they don’t…well, you’ll just have to kill them.

4 – Her mother will be jealous of you. It will be the first time she has ever been jealous of you. Remember you are still a moron and although your daughter looks at you as if you cured cancer, you haven’t. Don’t get cocky. Don’t taunt your wife. If that little girl were a little boy then the shoe would be on the other foot. Enjoy being the favorite now because one day your daughter will be fifteen and equally hate you both for reasons you should know if you remember being fifteen yourself.

5 – You will find everything she does endearing. Her mother will not. Defer to her mother’s exquisite expertise in the feminine arts. If your daughter is giving an attitude and you can’t help but laugh at her, walk away. Later, when her mother is out of ear shot, tell her how god damn funny her attitude is. You two will forever be in cahoots against the forces that be. It will be your little secret for as long as you live.

6 – Always remember that she’s somebody’s daughter, yours.

Sincerely,

Girl Dad

P.S. – wipe down.