Hell, or a Sexy?

… and why the meanings of words matter…

Alright, this is it. We’re four posts in and this is the one that will take this massive ship down. With a whopping 47 subscribers at the time of this writing, I am convinced this will be the post that reduces that number back down to the five true loyalists. This will be the post that ends up on CNN with the caption – “How Could No Name Blogger Say Such Awful Things”. At the very least this will make for very awkward family gatherings. So be it. We plow ahead into the unknown.

When I was a young buck the word genocide meant something very specific. That’s right. We went from hangover cures to girl dads to homo-erotic camping trips and we’ve finally reached our cruising altitude: genocide. I know what you’re thinking. Alex, please don’t go there. Quit while you’re ahead. But I can’t. My fingers keep on typing.

The term genocide has always meant the deliberate killing of a population based on some immutable characteristics – mainly their nationality or ethnicity - with the ultimate goal of wiping said population off the face of the planet. Awful stuff. I might argue the worst. When I saw the term thrown up on every other Instagram post I decided to do what a normal person does and look up the facts.

Well, here they are. Hold your breath. This is it. Alex’s famous last words…

The population of Palestine has increased from, checks notes, 1.9 million people to 4.9 million people since 1990. For the slow ones – that’s more than a 100% increase. So, when every other wacko on social media uses the SPECIFIC word genocide, I wonder if I’m losing my mind or if Israel is just really bad at genociding?

I’m no expert but I’ve read some books on this whole conflict. Which is probably more than any of the halfwits clogging up my timeline with incessant posts can say. If you’re into depressing and dense reads you can check out “Rise and Kill First” by Ronen Bergman or “Jerusalem: The Biography” by Simon Sebag Montefiore. But let’s be honest, you’re reading my Substack which means you’ll never crack one of these massive tombs open. And I don’t blame you.

But this isn’t a political blog. I would never torture you, dear reader, with the same depressing bullshit everyone else wants to push. You’ve come here for humor and humor you shall get.

As a writer, the thing that pisses me off more than anything is the willy nilly changing of words and their definitions. Words are my business (albeit a very low paying one). Words mean something to me. Words are how I understand the world. And when people decide to change the meaning of words, especially ones like genocide, I feel like I’ve been tipped upside down.

So, I’d like to do a little thought experiment and change up some of my own definitions as I see fit. And from this day forward you will have to abide by these changes because I said so…

1 – Hungover = Sexy

Have you ever felt so sexy you might puke? I have. I’ve looked in the mirror after a long night and thought, goddamn I’m fucking sexy. Black bags hanging under my eyes, blood shot sclera, a headache that won’t quit, and a stomach that feels like it’s caught in a wave pool. Sexy af. The new name of this blog will be known as Hell, or a Sexy. It doesn’t have the same ring to it but I am the dictator of this site and this is my decree.

Just imagine the dirty talk…

“You’re so fucking hungover I can’t stand it.”

Sounds like my dad chiding me after showing up for the 10^th consecutive Thanksgiving dinner still mangled from Thanksgiving Eve, not me and the wife after a couple chardonnays. 

2 - Dog = Cat

I’m a cat lover. Yuck. I sound like a 90-year-old lady who stays at home bathed in the stench of piss. I love when my cat greets me at the door every day, tail wagging, barking like he thought he’d never see me again. It’s one of the true joys of life. Luckily I’m allergic to dogs. Dogs suck. They are like little anti-social emo teenagers. They don’t even look at you when you walk in the door. Aloof is the only word to describe a dog. Some people are into that, but I’m not one of them. Cats > dogs. All day, every day.

3 - Capitalism = Communism

I love Communism. It’s the best. Communism gives people the freedom to choose how they want to live and what they want to be. Communism has built the greatest technological advancements of this century. Without Communism we’d be living like the poor people in North Korea who have succumbed to the awfulness of Capitalism. And let’s not forget how many people died due to Capitalism in the 20^th century. The Holodomor famine killed anywhere between 7 and 10 million Ukrainians which makes the Gulag numbers look cute by comparison. Fucking Capitalism man.

4 – War = Pillow Fight

When you suck at pillow fights it’s smart not to start them. And if you suck at pillow fights, starting a pillow fight with one of the best pillow fighters in the world is probably a bad idea. But here’s a plan if you want to start one. First, you pick a random date. Let’s say, October 7^th. Second, on said date, you hop over the border of a neighboring country who has a really big pillow. Third, you rape, murder, and kidnap as many people as you can find. When the neighbor with the really big pillow starts kicking your ass in retaliation you call the UN and they’ll come up with excuse after excuse of why the pillow fight is unfair. They’ll say the neighbor with the big pillow is committing a genocide (whatever that means?). If that doesn’t work don’t worry, the heads of the most prestigious American Universities will come to your defense. Such is the nature of pillow fights in the Middle East.

5 – Far Left = Alt-Right

I love people on the alt-right. Though they’re not the smartest bunch, it doesn’t change my opinion of who they are personally. That is of course until they hate me for not being alt-right. They’ve been caught under a spell. This spell tells them that the race of a person, not the content of their character, is the most important factor when determining how someone should be treated. Or is that the far-left? Now I’m confused. As the great Austin Powers once said – “Oh no, I’ve gone cross eyed”. 

Somehow politics have bled into the personal lives of each and every one of us. I’ve been called sexist, misogynistic, fascist, and racist - none of which I am unless I don’t know how those words are being used anymore. And it’s all because I don’t accept that being (half) white makes me inherently evil or that being born with a penis makes me a bad person or that you can just change the definition of words to fit whatever narrative you believe in. So, for my last trick, I’ve changed the definitions of all those horrible words I’ve been called to mean ‘wicked smart’, 'devilishly handsome', 'funny', and 'normal'. I’m just a sexist, misogynistic, fascist, racist guy trying to make people laugh in a fucked-up world. If they can change the meaning of words, then so can I. 

P.S.

War = Bad.

Really.