If The Shoe Fits, You Must Acquit
Air Trump was the big news this past week. I’m not talking about his private jet that he’ll probably be forced to sell after being smacked with more than half a billion dollars in legal debts, I’m talking about his sneakers. Trump debuted his signature shoe, dubbed the “Never Surrender”, at Sneakercon, an event that sounds like the fourth circle in Dante’s Inferno. I’m probably not the person to comment on shoes or the obsession they hold over our culture because my shoe game is weaker than Trump’s legal team. My shoes resemble Balenciaga’s Paris High Top Trainers Full Destroyed, they’re just worth far less.
($1,400, what a steal!)
If you think those shoes look horrific, wait until you see the Never Surrender’s. They’re golden plated knockoff Dunks with a big T on the side and a half assed American Flag wrapped around the heel. It was shocking to find that when I clicked on gettrumpsneakers.com that these weren’t the first pair of shoes Mr. Trump has hawked. He also has a pair of running shoes called the POTUS 45’s. Donald Trump looks like a bag of cottage cheese. He has the most unathletic body to grace the oval office since Franklin D. Roosevelt. I would second guess any purchase if you were hoping to get a good workout in them. Shockingly, his athletic history might prove my hypothesis wrong. He played tennis and squash (what the fuck is that?) in college and he reportedly records better golf scores than Kim Jong Un (11 holes in one lol).
Regardless of what you think of the Trump sneaker, we can all probably agree that the Never Surrender’s are an unnecessary product. We are still waiting on a hangover cure and if I were a more prescient being I would have included a Trump Sneaker in my useless inventions that have been created before a hangover cure blog.
( https://alexmuka.substack.com/p/the-hangover-cure )
Trump’s money grab is clear enough. When you have to pay half a billion dollars in legal debt you gotta start somewhere. But a Trump shoe would have been last on my list of products that Trump could have gone with. I was thinking a Trump toupee would do wonderful on the market. He could probably sell a Trump hand plaster so that people could compare their hand size with the 45th president’s (and the real MAGA crazies could use it from something a little more…sinister). But shoes? The only running Trump does now is for office or away from Melania as she begs him to quit the politics.
Alas, I must unfortunately admit Trump’s business prowess. Those shoes will sell out faster than toilet paper did during COVID. I’m sure there will be ridiculous lines outside your local Footlocker (do those still exist?) when these shoes hit the market and I think other celebrities and businesses could learn a thing or two from the orange man. When you come out with a product that is so antithetical to who you are it draws attention. So let us take a look at some other products that I think would do well if only for their absolute absurdity.
NYPD BASKETBALL JERSEYS
Though it seems like yesterday, it’s been a few years since the calls to “Defund The Police” were made. I’m still not sure why that idea never caught fire. Let’s take away the money for the people who protect us in order to…protect us? Sounds like a glorious plan. If our politicians ever do decide to take away police money I will be on the first plane out of here to somewhere that respects Law & Order, North Korea perhaps. But I think the NYPD could raise serious funds by selling basketball jerseys with your favorite cop’s name and number on the back. I’d buy one. Detective McMahon, precinct 34, number 99 in your programs but number one in your hearts.
If that doesn’t pan out, the illustrious NYPD dance team has their own jerseys they can push. If you haven’t seen the clip yet, please do yourself a favor.
(fast forward to 2:45)
The billy-club can’t even handle these ladies right now! Who needs a police force when a group of slightly overweight 40-year-old women can come and dance to Flo Rida on your attacker’s head? For the small price of $59.99 you can buy your favorite dancer’s jersey and support the police all in one shot (kneepads sold separately).
BRAS by Janet Jackson
I might be dating myself here but I remember Super Bowl XXXVIII like it was yesterday. February 1st, 2014. Thirteen-year-old Alex was glued to the television to watch the Panthers take on the Patriots. It was a legendary game that ended with Tom Brady making a late 4th quarter drive to cement his legacy and record his second super bowl win. But I have to admit I didn’t see that drive. I didn’t see much of the second half. My eyes were open, the TV was on, but my thirteen-year-old brain could not stop envisioning Janet Jackson’s bare tit. It swirled around my head like little birds when a cartoon character gets knocked out.
Yes, Super Bowl 38 was the one where the real battle occurred between Janet Jackson and her wardrobe. The ‘wardrobe malfunction’ was Justin Timberlake viciously ripping off a piece of Janet’s shirt to uncover a bare breast so glorious that 13-year-old me was stupefied for the remainder of the game.
At the age of seventeen or eighteen I was finally suave enough to see a boob in person but let’s be honest, it was a fucking struggle. Bras are a contraption made to confound and confuse even the smartest of the male species. There are hooks and wires and twists and turns that even your local mechanic would have trouble with. In the movies the cool guy can unhook a bra with one hand, in real life men couldn’t get one of those things undone with the same number of arms as Vishnu (google it).
So, just like tear away pants, Janet Jackson needs to come out with the tear away bra. Just one pull and voila, free the nipple! Thirteen-year-old me (and eighteen-year-old me, and thirty-three-year-old me) would be thankful.
Barack’s Secret Stuff
You know how Michael Jordan has his secret stuff in the movie Space Jam? It’s a water bottle filled with just water that Michael tricks the other characters into thinking is something special to give them confidence. It’s an allegory on how confidence comes from within. You don’t need the outside world to think you can do it, only you need to believe.
Well, whoever is telling Joe Biden he’s got the wherewithal to be president of the United States is doing the same thing. They are lying to him. Talk about gas lighting…have you seen these people come out in droves saying they’ve had behind the scenes conversations with Joe Biden and that he’s really got the brain of Einstein? Christ, what are we even doing here? The guy is practically drooling every time he gets in front of a microphone but thank God behind the scenes he’s your run of the mill Will Hunting.
I can just imagine what’s actually going on behind the curtain. Barack Obama is sitting at the desk of the oval office. He is writing up the next speech Joe Biden will butcher. Before Biden is wheeled to his next “meeting” he watches Barack take a sip of a water bottle that has tape over the original brand. Written on the tape is “Barack’s Secret Stuff.”
Biden wobbles over to the desk and says, “heymahn, waaa waaachjaaa wahja gahhhtheurrrr.” Which translates to, ‘Hey man, what you got there?’
Barack says, “Oh, this? This is nothing Joe, just my secret stuff. It gives me the energy to run the country even though you’re the president.”
Biden responds, “heyyymahn, lemgeshummmmat.” Which translates to, ‘Hey man, let me get some of that.’
Barack hands him the bottle, Joe takes a sip, and he looks like lighting has struck a pile of dirt (aka his brain).
With this new confidence, Joe Biden shuffles to his next behind the scenes meeting and gives out answers that must sound like he knows what he’s talking about. If a product can make Joe Biden sound smart then that product can do anything.
Gloves by OJ
I know this might sound shocking, but businesses are not jumping out of their seats to partner with OJ Simpson. Though the Ford Bronco has made a comeback, The Juice certainly has not. At one point he had to pawn his Heisman Trophy for cash that he ended up trying to steal back at gunpoint. Just another day in the life of an American hero!
But gloves by OJ could really work. Is there any more famous glove in human history? You got Mickey Mouse’s gloves, Michael Jackson’s glove, and that’s about all the gloves I can muster. Women used to wear very long and elegant gloves which I don’t foresee making a comeback at the same time as the micro-bikini. But if anyone can bring gloves back into the mainstream, OJ can.
He can come out with the product on X.
“Hey X world, Juice here. I just started a company called If I Did It Gloves. What you do is you go to our store and they measure your hand. When they make the gloves they will automatically make them two inches shorter than your hand size so that when you put them on, they won’t actually fit. So just in case you did do it and don’t want to get caught, you’ll have a nice alibi when it comes time for trial. If it does not fit, you must acquit. Take care.”
Honorable Mentions:
Babysitting Services by Casey Anthony
Italy Vacation Planning by Amanda Knox
Very Tiny Spoons by Hunter Biden
lol!!!