Nursing Home Heaven
The wife and I have finally discovered that the next time we will get a minute to rest is when we are locked up in a nursing home. I personally can’t wait. Just imagine this for a second – your kids are grown up, you have a social security check coming in every month, you have nothing to do, nowhere to be, and your meals are cooked for you. That doesn’t sound like the step before heaven, it sounds like the real thing.
The best part about being in said nursing home will be that I will finally have time to talk to my wife again. This might sound weird to someone who does not have kids, but I haven’t had a meaningful conversation with my wife in three years. Sure, we talk every day, but this is how the conversations go:
Her - “Did you pack the diaper bag?”
Me - “No, I’ll do it now.”
Her - “Did you take the garbage out?”
Me - “No, I’ll do it now.”
Her - “Did you call the Doctor’s office?”
Me - “No, I’ll do it now.”
Etc…
By the time we are in bed, with the kids finally asleep, we start talking about our day only to find me one of us snoring mid conversation. It’s either that or we decide to watch a show because we can’t muster up the energy to talk and are both passed out before the end of the episode. This has happened so often that we’ve now started a list of shows we will finally watch when we are in a nursing home.
Here is that list:
Breaking Bad
My wife has watched Breaking Bad, I have not. I know this is a sin of grand proportions but with so much good TV out there you are bound to miss one or two. The problem when one of you has watched a show and the other hasn’t is that there is no way we can justify using the one hour we have on making someone rewatch an entire series. I have made my peace with that and can’t wait for the day that I am 70 years old and finally sit down to watch the riveting tale of Walter White.
The main reason I am so excited about finally watching this show in a nursing home is because I know the general premise. Walter White (or whatever his real name is?) is a chemistry teacher who finds out he can make gobs of money making and selling meth. Though I am aware of the pros of living in a nursing home, I also know the cons. It will be a boring end of life. There will be no parties, there will be no real fun, it’ll just be me, my wife, and the other old fucks waiting around to die. What better way to spruce up the last ten years on this planet than learning how to make some meth in the community bathroom and sprinkling it into an unsuspecting geriatric’s coffee in the morning? Imagine a nursing home filled with brittle, dementia ridden people hopped on meth? The scene will look like a Ralph Steadman illustration (or Florida,
).
If we can learn anything from the movie Happy Gilmore, usually the people running nursing homes are atrocious. I can’t expect any different when I enter my final abode. What I hope to learn from Breaking Bad is how to get an entire population hooked on illicit drugs, including the help, so I can take over the place myself. It will be my own little fiefdom and I will run the show.
Dexter
Another show my wife has watched that I haven’t. I know, sacrilegious. But again, I understand the premise. A serial killer who only kills serial killers. This will be VERY important when I am in a nursing home. The reason being is you cannot choose your neighbors in a nursing home. Your neighbors are foisted on you. You can have a racist on one floor, a scizo on another, and there is absolutely nothing you can do about it. This is a big con. I barely talk to my neighbors now and they are decent people. Imagine being locked in a building with people you have no choice but to fraternize with?
“No, Bob, I don’t want to play Pinochle with you again. Your breath smells like ass and your hearing aid is turned down so low you can’t even hear yourself fart.”
What I hope to learn through watching Dexter in my mid-eighties is how to kill someone without getting caught. Guy next door is moaning to loud? Offed. Lady smells like cat piss? Bye bye, sweetheart. Some dusty fuck tries to flirt with my hot old wife? I’ll just have to make an example of the poor bastard.
And in a way this will be similar to what Dexter was doing. These people are already on their way out, I’m just facilitating it a little quicker. Aren’t they already doing this in the Netherlands anyway? (
)
The Walking Dead
I think there is a theme here. Another show my wife has watched and I haven’t. But this one is the most crucial of the three. There is no difference between a nursing home and a zombie apocalypse. Think about it. A nursing home is just a place where skeletons walk around in a haze of dementia with no idea what they are doing or where they are going or how they even got there. Just like Covid, ground zero for a zombie apocalypse will for sure be in a nursing home.
From what I am told, this show is based on different groups that form in order to survive when the zombies take over. This will be crucial to watch when in a nursing home. There will be BIG decisions to make on who the wife and I decide to spend time with while there. All it takes is one conversation to make a “friend” and the group we decide to roll with (literally) will be as important as the groups formed in The Walking Dead.
Now that I’m thinking about it, I’ve just talked myself out of ever wanting to be in a nursing home. I’d like to spend the twilight years of my life catching up with my wife and my wife alone. Maybe in the next 40 years there will be some type of invention where old people can live their dying years out alone, at home, with dignity. Oh wait, there is that invention. It’s called having kids. We brought you into this world, kept you alive, changed your diapers, cleaned your ass – now it’s time to return the favor. Because there is no way in hell I will be caught walking dead (literally) in a nursing home.
Honorable Mentions
Peaky Blinders – I have watched this, my wife hasn’t. The only trouble with rewatching this one is that I will be forced to smoke unfiltered cigarettes with oxygen running through my nostrils, drink whiskey, and start talking in a brogue. My wife will surely hate this.
Sex and the City – I will never watch this show no matter what age I…oh who am I kidding? I’ve seen every episode of Sex and the City. I can’t wait to rewatch it. Especially at an age where getting a boner will prove difficult. The only thing I am afraid of is that a sex scene with Samantha will make my old heart burst.
The Leftovers – Isn’t that just the name of people living in nursing homes?
The Wire – This is one of my favorite shows. Part of me wants to rewatch it when I’m old but, if I’m being honest, I will not care about the state of the world or where it’s headed. Social issues will be far from my mind. If you think I will give a fuck about gentrification or the state of our inner cities when I’m pissing my pants, you have another thing coming.
Lost – This will be exactly what I am in room 3A at Complete Care in Shrewsbury, NJ.
The West Wing – At the age of 65 is when I will start my political career. Judging by our current political predicament in this country it will be a perfect time. My campaign will be a grass roots movement that runs through the nursing home I am stationed at and travels through all the nursing homes in America. Once I capture the geriatric vote I will move on to the unsuspecting American public with a clear path to the White House. I cannot confirm or deny if meth will play a part in this. Once I am elected, what better way to learn how my future job as President of the United States of America will work than watching The West Wing.
Veep – This watch will be for my running mate, my wife.
P.S. - I can’t wait to read this again when I’m an old codger and realize what a young asshole I was. It will surely bring a smile to my face.
I still cannot believe that you have not watched Breaking Bad!!! 🤦🏽♀️
I can not wait !!! 💜