RizzGPT

…and do us writers really need to worry about AI?

If you are too old to know what the term “rizz” means then welcome to the club. I’m old. There’s no denying it anymore. At the ripe age of 33 eating a basket of fries throws my stomach in to the depths of hell, tweaking my back requires five days in bed, a hangover is a two-day affair, and I don’t know the term “rizz”. 33 years old might as well be 103 years old when it comes to keeping up with internet trends or the lingo of GenZ. I was not educated on the term “rizz” until very recently. I was talking to (being ignored by) my fifteen-year-old niece, who picked up her phone mid conversation and started talking to her friend. No warnings. No “I have to take this”. Nothing.

She went on to say to her friend that her own “rizz game” was “fire”. She then said she was going to be “outside” this summer. It all sounded like gibberish to me, so when she finally hung up I had to ask her to translate.

“Rizz” = flirting, game, being able to talk to the opposite sex

“Fire” = good

“Outside” = single as fuck

Once I received the translation I immediately thought about turning my daughters into Jake Gyllenhaal’s character in Bubble Boy. If you’re too old to know what “rizz” means then you’ve definitely seen that movie.

It was only a few short weeks before I was introduced to RizzGPT. My nephew, who is nine, got in trouble for sending texts of an explicit nature to a babysitter. The exact text was: “Are you a firefighter? Because you’re hot and I want to be rescued.”

I was impressed at the ingenuity of a nine-year-old to come up with that pickup line and thought about taking the kid under my wing. But my wife and her sister (his mom) rightly knew that he could not have come up with such a line himself. They probed further and found out that my nephew and his cousin (another nephew) had just recently downloaded the RizzGPT app and were using it regularly.

At first, I have to admit, I was pretty jealous. I was petrified (and in awe) of women until I was nineteen (still am) and the RizzGPT app could have really helped out. Imagine 16-year-old Alex with all the pickup lines in the world at his fingertips? What could’ve gone wrong? At the age of 33 I could still use some help in “rizz”ing up the wife. So, I decided to download the app and try it for myself.

The app is broken up into six groups.

-          Give a genuine compliment.

-          Share an extremely flirty joke.

-          Ask out for a date.

-          Declare your love intelligently.

-          Send a cheesy pickup line.

-          Chat about a specific topic.

It will autogenerate texts in each group that can either be quickly copied and pasted or even made into a keyboard right on your phone while you text.

I laughed out loud at “Declare your love intelligently” but decided to start my research at “Share an extremely flirty joke”. And boy did it deliver. See screenshot below.

Keep in mind that before you get to this point in the app you have to let the AI know whether you are a male or female. I selected male because I am one. Now I don’t know about you ladies, but I’m thinking line number one is more suited for you than me. I don’t think any woman wants this ass on their face, but maybe someone out there is into that? I weigh 220 lbs, by the way.

Now the elevator line, that is something I can work with. I plan on sending this to my wife next week when the six weeks of abstinence is up post childbirth. I can see her responses going one of two ways.

1 – Confusion

“What the fuck are you talking about?”

2 – Ignore

“When you get home I need you to take out the trash, give the baby a bath, cook dinner, and rub my feet.”

The last line is definitely suited for a nine-year-old. I think my nephew should have chosen this one over the firefighter line. It sets the stage beautifully. A nine-year-old is probably afraid of the dark, and if the nightlight is out, who better to keep you company than a babysitter?

Next, I decided to go to the “Declare your love intelligently” section. I figure my wife deserves that much. She has to put up with a lot. For example, two days ago I posted my cum trees blog to my Instagram story and followed it up by promoting a new children’s toy she created and is now selling (Peanut Boards). Talk about juxtaposition. But she is all for my endeavors in writing and supports me no matter what. I do the same for her. She has earned her husband at least attempting to declare his love intelligently. This is what I got:

First line is “fire”. Definitely going to use that the next time I ask to go to the bar with my friends and she says yes.

Second line, also “fire”. There is nothing a mother wants more than personal space and time. The next time she asks if I can give both the kids a bath and put both of them to bed while she curls up in a ball in bed and cries for no reason other than her hormones are still raging after giving birth, I will hit her with this intelligence.

Third line, fucking “FIRE”. It’s very often that I insist we have people over rather than going out. What that means is I need to do over a hundred tasks around the house in order to facilitate this request. Dishes need to be done, floors need to be swept, clothes need to be put away, etc… When my chores are done, and I insist again that we have people over, and she finally acquiesces, I will let her know that “I admire her ability to bring people together and build connections”.

Game, set, match.

Now, because I am still in need of a book agent, I decided to go to the “Chat about a specific topic” section. At this point I’d do just about anything to get a book agent’s attention. A RizzGPT pickup line at the top of my query letter might be the move (or it might get me banned from ever getting a book published and put me on some sort of watch list). Regardless, I gave it a whirl.

Hey there, are you a book agent? Nothing like being polite and asking someone you are pitching a book to if they are in fact a book agent. Adding the compliment of them being great at making connections can only boost your standing in the agent’s eyes. Though the relationship between writer and agent isn’t really about swapping stories, I would read just about anything a book agent asked me to read over a “virtual coffee” in order to get my book read in return.

The second line might be a little too flattering, but it also might be diabolically perfect. I am sure agents are just like writers in the wish to be recognized as the best (I would settle for decent and published). I also love the double entendre of “scripting a chat”. It really lets the agent know I am open to selling the movie rights.

The third one is the winner though. Above all else, when pitching a book, you are trying to get an agent’s attention. Going full Shakespeare might not get me the attention I want, but no attention is bad attention in this game. My wife might have some qualms about discussing tales of love under the moonlight with an agent, but it will just have to be another thing she puts up with. If this will get me published, I will do it.

Now that I found some ways to spice up my query letter for a book agent, I only had time for one more RizzGPT search. I headed to the “Send cheesy pickup lines” section.

I can see line number one working on the type of girl you absolutely do not want. You know the type of girl who only watches romcoms, is obsessed with the show Glee, and knows every line to RENT. For those reasons, I’m out.

Line number two now confirms that the text from my nephew was in fact a cheesy pick-up line. God speed kid.

But line number three is what really shocked me. I thought I was on to something with this app until I read this. If RizzGPT can’t get a simple (and widely known) pickup line right, then how useful of a tool is it really? It sounds like a foreigner trying to learn English. 

I know that RizzGPT isn’t the best writing that AI has to offer. Far from it. But God damn if someone can’t beat this AI they don’t deserve to be a writer. Which makes me think about the larger worry about AI and writing in general. Maybe I am being naïve to think that no computer can come up with what’s in my (or another writer’s) brain. That’s partly due to the three or four concussions I suffered playing football for fifteen years. A computer could never recreate that kind of brain injury into its model. But seriously, you might be able to plug in some keywords and have ChatGPT write in an author’s style, but any writing that comes from AI will never have the attitude, the experience, or the voice of a real writer. It just can’t. Remember that all large language models can do is take writing that is already out there. And as a writer your job is to create stuff that isn’t out there. Your job is to make something new. Your job is to write something that has never been written before. Your job is to be fucking unique. So instead of worrying about ChatGPT stealing your next big book idea, worry about RizzGPT stealing your girl.’

P.S. - My nephew’s actual text to his babysitter was “Quick, the police are coming. Do you have somewhere I can hide my penis?” What can I say…kid’s got rizz.