Sever Me Timbers!

And the time I actually worked on the severed floor...

The building is huge. Monstrous and monotonous. It’s as if Stalin himself touched down in Holmdel, New Jersey to put his architectural spin on it. If someday (and that day may come soon) there are show trials held in the great US of A, this building would be perfect for such an occasion. It’s a terrifying spectacle, to behold with your own eyes a building with such stark ugliness, yet it pulls you in. A big beacon of sanctuary, a safe and stoic homebase, something concrete that humans made that can last all of eternity in its brutal form. No, this is not a fiction piece. This building actually exists. And you’ve all seen this building even if you have no idea what building I speak of. Because this particular building is where the severed floor exists. And…I’ve worked in this building.

The building is called Bell Works now but it was originally made as a research center for Bell Labs. For those of you who don’t recognize the name Bell, it was once the leader in telecommunications throughout the country. For one hundred years they dominated the telephone game until they were broken up by anti-trust laws in the 80’s and were subsequently gobbled up by AT&T. The building went unused for many years until it was bought by a local developer and turned into a mini town. There is office space for rent, restaurants, laser tag, a gym, and a ballet studio sprinkled throughout. Even creepier is the fact that they built a miniature neighborhood around the building. Identical town homes litter the outskirts and one can only imagine, when driving up the ¾ mile entrance, that the people living there must be severed for deciding to live there.

Hell

The whole vibe of the place really does match the show and they clearly made the right decision shooting it here. If you haven’t seen Severance I highly recommend you do. It’s a fantastic show. Well acted and well written with a spooky vibe that doesn’t leave you once the show ends. On top of that, the theme of the show really speaks to our current moment of what working feels like. How many times a day have you thought about how much you hate your job? That you feel like a rat in a cage? That you wish you were doing anything other than sitting in front of a computer from 9-5?

This particular note by

Alexander Sorondo

hit me in my plums. (I’ve just started reading his novel Cubafruit and really love it. Also, read his Vollmann piece at

The Metropolitan Review

– worth every minute of the 45 min estimated read time).

I thought about this note just yesterday when I walked out of the office to a balmy 75 and almost started to weep knowing I was inside for the majority of a perfect day. We’ve all been there and the Severance showrunners came up with an ingenious idea: what if there was a medical procedure to turn off your brain the minute you walked into work? What if you didn’t remember a single thing from your work day? What if the person that was working didn’t remember a single thing of your outside life? And what if that medical procedure was made by a massive, freaky, all-knowing company who was using your work hours for nefarious purposes?

Sever Shiver me timbers, that makes for good television!

(I have no idea if I’m using that pirate term right, but let’s just go with it).

Now, as I mentioned, I’ve actually worked in this building. I’ve been to the depths of the severed floor. I’ve seen this hell up close and personal and you know what? It’s actually not so bad. The reason it isn’t so bad is for the reason I was working there.

My wife has held a long time job as a Veterinary Technician. It’s a pretty thankless job. She gets beat up all day by different dogs and cats, comes home with scratches up and down her arms, her back hurts, her neck hurts, all for the low price of $25 an hour. But hey, she loves it and I love to see her happy. Which is why it killed me to watch her give up the job to take care of our two beautiful daughters. She’s made a sacrifice for our family that I could never repay. But my wife’s not a complainer and instead of letting the boredom takeover she decided to start a little business.

The business is called PeanutBoards (www.peanutboards.com). In all of her spare time (around 5 minutes a day) she designed a children’s toy to help our daughter learn how to spell. It’s a wooden letter board with a slide out chalk board. Our daughters love it. Other kids love it. So she decided to take the product to market. (If you like any of my writing and want to show it – go buy a board for a kid please!)

peanutboards

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If you’ve ever started a small business you know how tough it is. Not only do you have to create a sellable product, find financial backing, manage expenses, etc… but once you have said product you have to get the word out and pray for sales. The best way my wife decided to do this was to start going to fairs, local events, and vendor shows to show off what she’d built. As a loving husband (and forced at gun point) I decided to tag along to the these events and help her with anything she needed. Turns out, just like at my real job, I am the salesman pushing product while my wife just sits back and collects her cash like a Don.

One of these events just so happened to be held at Bell Works. When we drove down that long entrance my asshole puckered like a fish’s mouth. I felt that the minute I entered I would suddenly have my memory wiped. I felt the hands of Big Brother at my neck. I felt the ghost of Lenin looking down on me. But instead, what I found inside, was hundreds of people who had put hard work into making stuff that they could sell. There were guys who made wooden cutting boards, women who made jewelry, a couple who did dog training, even a woman who self published a set of children’s books. This place that looked like it was made to breed robots was filled with the exact opposite. It was awesome. It was America. At least the part of America everyone is still trying to hold on to. Local people, local businesses. The American dream.

What I learned was that even in a place that is the epitome of corporate hell there are still people out there trying to make a living off something small, off something simple, off something they built with their own brain and hands. And finally, it reminded me of self-publishing. It reminded me how authors can now get their very good work out there with no backing from an agent or a publisher. The last two novels I’ve read, Why Teach? by

Peter Shull

& The Wayback Machine by

wayback machine

- (aka Daniel Falatko), are both self published and fan-fucking-tastic. I highly recommend them. They are novels that could have easily been published by the Big 5. But instead these guys have done all the work themselves, put their nuts on the table, and hopefully will reap the rewards they deserve, much like the people selling their stuff at Bell Works.

Now enough praise for them - this reminds me to remind you that I’ll be self-publishing my novel Hell or Hangover this July. When it comes out, buy it. Buy the other two novels I mentioned too. Buy a PeanutBoard. Support people who are doing shit on their own. Get off the corporate teat so that not everyone has to be severed to be happy.

P.S. - I am going to keep screaming this from the rooftops - Mr. Milchick fucking ATE in that marching band scene.