The Case for Sex?

There is a question mark in the title on purpose. That’s because I am confused as to why anyone would have to make such a case. I thought that sex being a good thing was fairly straight forward. I thought it was one of those truths the founding fathers held to be self-evident: life, liberty, the pursuit of happiness, and sex. But according to an article I just read that is not the case.

The article in question is titled: Can a Sexless Marriage Be a Happy One?

The title is fine and of course the answer is no yes. I am sure there are plenty of marriages that are sexless and “happy”. I am not here to disparage personal preferences or aversions to sex. It’s not the title but the subtitle and the subsequent article that have me personally up in arms defending sex like I’m the guard at the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier.

Subtitle: Experts and couples are challenging the conventional wisdom that sex is essential to relationships.

Here is the link for those who are gluttons for punishment and still decide to read the New York Times, like me.

Can a Sexless Marriage Be a Happy One?

I’m not going to shit on the author here. I won’t even mention her name because what’s the point of shitting on another person trying to make a living off the written word. Also, I know she didn’t get to choose her titles or subtitles. So, New York Times copy editors, come here, sit down, and listen good.

Sex is fucking essential to the majority of relationships. I don’t care what “experts” or “couples” you are talking to. Sex or at the very least attraction is the spark that sets the flame of most lifelong romantic relationships. It’s the piece undergirding the entire structure. The flame may ebb and flow, there may be times of more sex or less sex, but the entire notion of being in a ROMANTIC relationship is based on sex. It’s not conventional wisdom. It’s eternal wisdom. Without sex, this whole little human experiment stops. So before I blow my load (figuratively, of course) let’s get into the article.

It starts by mentioning that the names used are all middle names so as not to reveal the real people involved. Because this is the New York Times I can assume these people are probably made up. It’s not like the Times has recently been enmeshed in scandal by falsely believing a terrorist organization when reporting about a war zone. But I digress. Let’s just pretend that the people in this piece do actually exist.

We start out with Rose and Will, who met online, have been married for seven years, and now live together in Los Angeles. Rose is a Pilates instructor; Will is a teacher.

“Rose feels that the familiar calm of their relationship also shuts down her sexuality. They go months without sex but they don’t lack intimacy. They have a policy of never refusing a hug…the safe predictability of their marriage dulls her sex drive.”

Will…my man, let me read through the lines here for you. You’re married to a Pilates instructor who is so bored she is losing her sex drive. Rose wants to get properly fucked Will. Stop me if I’m overstepping my bounds, but there are ways to spice things up in the boudoir. They can go from the more mundane stuff all the way to things like rape fantasy. I’m not here to judge, just to advise. So Will, how about this…next time you come home from work and your wife is pulling her hair out of her head from boredom – throw on a ski mask and rock Rose’s world. Put some of those Pilates positions to use. If that’s pushing it too far then let’s start by nixing the “no refusing a hug” policy. That’s a sure-fire way to bore your partner to tears. You know when sex gets really good? When you and your partner fight, refuse a couple hugs, and then hop in the sheets to make up.

The article continues: “To get into a sexual mood, Rose relies on a set of rituals to help build anticipation. Will doesn’t need to do anything to feel ready for sex and Rose sees this as another way in which they’re different.”

Newsflash Rose – this is completely normal. Every time my wife gets naked in front of me, even if it’s just to change her clothes, I am ready. If she walks past me with a little cheek out of her underwear I’m grabbing, groping, and ogling like a true chauvinist pig. Shit, if the wind blows the wrong way I’m hard as a steel pole. The way in which you are different is normal, it’s biology.

“Sometimes they shower together and hold each other naked, without expectation of sex. Though Will remains hopeful that these moments will lead to something else, he doesn’t push it.”

If me and my wife spent three seconds together in the shower naked there would be hole in her back the size of an asteroid (or just the size of my penis.)

“Rose thinks she’s not the nurturing type, but Will disagrees. She’s not stingy in spirit or time, he says.”

Just with the pussy, he later says off the record. (I assume).

My personal recommendation for these two is to stop thinking and start doing. It’s like any creative endeavor. You can sit and mull over all the reasons you should not do something or you can throw your hat in the ring and give it the good old college try. Who knows? Maybe you’ll actually like sex once you’re actually doing it. Just a thought.

The piece now switches off of Rose and Will to talk about our “current culture” and how in recent years “relationship experts” have been “gradually dismantling some commonly held views” like the wild claim that consistent sex with your partner is healthy for your relationship. Their solution: don’t share a bedroom or home with your spouse.

“Sharon Hyman, who runs a Facebook group called Apartners for couples who have chosen to live separately told me that many of the members in her community find their sex lives improve when they don’t spend every minute together.”

You expect me to believe there is a sex expert with the last name of Hyman? Really? My guess is her hymen is still intact. But let’s again pretend to believe Sharon Hyman is a real person. She clearly doesn’t live in reality. I can just imagine telling my wife I need to sleep at the office for a couple nights to reinvigorate our sex life. The result will be the demise of our sex life. You can’t just turn a relationship on and off like it’s a faucet. The point of getting married is committing to someone – which requires living with them. Shocking, I know.

Now we get introduced to another “expert” named Ester Perel. She starts off good by saying “couples today are simply less willing to tolerate boredom in the bedroom.” See Will. Listen to Ester. Throw on that ski mask. But then Ester goes off the reservation. She says we need to reexamine our investment in the foundational premise of marriage: monogamy. It gets worse. “Advice columnist” Dan Savage chimes in from the rafters. He is not quoted in the piece but the author sums up his argument as this: “monogamy isn’t entirely plausible, or pleasurable for everyone and he is critical of Americans’ obsession with moralizing infidelity.”

Moralizing infidelity. Moralizing…infidelity. So, what you’re saying is us Americans find it immoral to decide to get married to someone, make a vow that they are your partner, and then cheat on them, and that’s a problem? I haven’t been this proud to be American since 9/11.  Of course, cheating on your spouse is wrong. Of course, cheating on your spouse is immoral. There are other options out there, like not getting married. It’s that easy. If you want to fuck other people by all means have at it, just don’t get married while you’re doing it.

The author continues: “While some are questioning the standard of monogamous sex in marriage by exploring polyamorous and open relationships, others are pushing back against the pressure to have sex at all.”

This one was a doozy. I thought polyamory was weird, but no sex at all as the solution is even crazier. And it seems like this is actually happening quite frequently.

“The 2021 General Social Survey found that about 50% of all adults polled had sex once a month or less.”

Things are starting to make sense. No wonder the world seems like it’s going to hell. Instead of having sex people are finding their release by complaining about politics. Turn off the CNN, turn off the Fox, and fuck.

Things start to really get interesting when we are introduced to Emily Nagoski, a sex educator and researcher who has been open about her own hiatus from marital sex. So, she educates and researches on something she doesn’t even do? Sounds like a recipe for disaster. She goes on to say, “It’s not dysfunctional not to want sex you don’t like.”

That’s what a mouth is for, Emily. No, not sexually - but to verbally communicate how you would like to have sex. For example, the word “ouch” conveys that something hurts. There’s also a thing called a “moan” which conveys that something feels good. There’s also “oh my fucking god keep going” which I think all who still have sex get the gist of.  Imagine cutting sex out from your life because your partner went left when you wanted them to go right? Us men need serious coaching in the bedroom. We’re like dogs, just tell us what to do and we’ll get the hang of it.

There is one sad story about Michelle and John who stopped having sex after Michelle went through a traumatic birth, which should really just be called birth. That shit is always traumatic. I couldn’t imagine pushing something as big as a baby out of my vagina and ever letting anything, of any size, come back in. But when you keep reading you find out Michelle and John live in a one-bedroom apartment with their kid. If there is a sure-fire way to never have sex again it’s sharing a bedroom with a toddler.

“Now most days Michelle masturbates in the morning, while John takes their daughter to preschool. He masturbates at night in the bathroom, while watching porn on his phone.”

These two sentences are almost too sad to write anything funny. Almost. How about this – you guys start by timing up these sessions and have at yourselves together. That could get erotic really quick. It’ll only be a matter of time before you guys start banging and forget your kid is watching you through the bars of her crib like a scared prisoner.

The article continues on this trajectory. There are more couples with more kids who have lost the drive to have sex. A smorgasbord of couples complaining that they had kids and everything changed. Well, no shit! “Nothing Was The Same” is the name of Drake’s third album but it should be what the doctor whispers in your ear as you leave the hospital with your little bundle of joy. It’s going to be harder to have sex because you have to make sure another human being stays alive. That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t try.

The author decides to throw in the thoughts of a random old couple who “feel there’s some cultural pressure for older people to keep up their sex lives into their 80’s.”

Uh…what? No one’s pressuring Grandpa to keep plowing away at Grandma when the possibility of death is more likely than a climax.

Besides this old couple it’s clear as day that the problem with most of these couples is that they are just not right for each other. I’m not saying you’re going to have the same spark you had when you first met your partner but you should at least look at them once a day and say, “If I had the energy, I’d fuck the shit out of you right now.” And you should certainly try your hardest to make the energy if you can. But if you become like Will and Rose, who according to the article didn’t have sex for the ENTIRE YEAR during the pandemic, then I suggest you just call the whole thing off. Because what else is there to do when your locked in your home for a year with a person of the opposite of sex? Me and my wife got a kid out of it. Thanks, Covid.

As we near the end of the article we finally get down to what the author is driving at the entire time. “Despite their insistence that sex isn’t essential in their marriages, most couples I spoke with still keep track of how often they have sex. They also appear haunted by how far they deviate from perceived norms.”

And this is where I wanted to throw my computer the first time I read the article. This is no fault of the authors but a fault of our “current culture”. Our “current culture” doesn’t have a problem with its “currently held views” that “consistent sex with your partner is healthy for your relationship”. Our current culture has a counting problem.

In the great words of Martin Niemoller:

First they came for calories, and I did not speak out - because I like to eat. Then they came for alcohol, and I did not speak out – because I like to drink. Then they came for sex, and I did not speak out – because I like to have sex. Then they came for breathing – and there was no one left to speak for me.

Seriously, where has all the fun gone? Where’s the joy? When did it become a crime to do something that was a little bad because it felt a little good? It’s like people are coming for all the simple pleasures we get as humans and I am putting my fucking foot down.

So I am going to propose something here because life is too short. You’re going to die. You’re not going to be able to experience being alive forever. It doesn’t work like that. When it’s all said and done and the curtains close, there is no more food, no more wine, no more sex, and no more life. Read that again. And then again. And then repeat after me.

I will not count calories.

I will not count drinks.

I will not count how many times I have sex.

I will have sex with my significant other.

I will have sex with my significant other again.

And again.

And then think about the title of the article: Can a Sexless Marriage Be a Happy One?

Maybe, but a sex-filled one will be happier.

P.S. – no it can’t.

P.P.S. – if you’re expecting a child just know you can’t have sex with your wife for 6 weeks post birth. The only counting I will be doing is the days until this last 2 weeks is up.