The D*ck Pic

*Mom, you can skip this one*

I needed to preface this piece with the above subtitle. My mom reads this Substack, comments and likes it religiously (if you download the Substack app you can do the same!), and I can’t thank her enough considering she’s also my boss. I hope this particular post does not jeopardize my standing at the family company. I must admit that if a post about the “Dick Pic” gets me fired by my own mother I will laugh my way to getting evicted from my home and going on welfare. As my wife looks at me with disdain for getting fired, my two hungry children look up at me with their mouths open begging for food, at least I will be able to sleep at night knowing I used my 1^st Amendment right to free speech the way I wanted. I’m not sure this is what the founding fathers had in mind when they wrote up the Bill of Rights but hey…times have changed. If I do get fired there will be ample ammunition for a book in the future (and a possible lawsuit).

The title: “How A Substack Post About Drake’s Dick Pic Got Me Fired”

It’s a working title…

As said title suggests, I am writing about an infamous picture that made its way around the interwebs a few months ago. If you don’t know what picture I’m talking about, supposedly there is a selfie of the rap artist Drake with his dick in his hands. I say supposedly because I have not seen the picture…

Just kidding, of course I saw it! And what a picture it was. “Hung Like A Drake” might be the new saying.

I’ll admit I’m not proud of looking at it but human beings are naturally voyeuristic. I do consider myself a human being, albeit a strange one. All of the technological advancements in the world will never trump our basest instincts. If you think having a cell phone for the past 20 years was going to somehow override your evolutionary purpose to procreate or your proclivity to want to see things other people are talking about then you don’t understand the basics of human nature. The cell phone has only magnified what us humans do. We’re social, we’re horny, we fight - aka Twitter.

So…here is what I’ve gleaned from the phenomenon of this particular dick pic and the dick pic in general.

1. Sending the picture is human nature (procreation – attract a mate)

2. Looking at the picture is human nature (voyeurism – social inclusion)

3. We need to override our human nature (common fucking sense)

Let’s start with number 1.

Fellas, if you think sending a picture of your penis is going to drive a woman to be madly in-love with you or at the very least want to have sex with you, I have news – it won’t. It doesn’t matter at what angle the picture is taken, what lighting you may happen to have set up, or if you’ve trimmed down there. Once she opens the picture she will no longer look at you the same way. You may think that she is getting that same rush you get when you receive a naked picture but I assure you this is one of those scenarios where the male and female mind react differently.

As a guy, the minute you see the hint of a nipple in your messages your mind goes into a tailspin. A little cleavage can make a man’s brain short circuit. You know that the picture was intended to get you horny and it does its job. You know that a woman would never send you such an elicit picture if she didn’t intend on having sex with you and now you are intent on making it happen. A picture of a woman’s ass hitting your inbox can make you leave work at any time of day, risking your job as much as I am with this post, just for a real-life glimpse. Your heart races. Your pants get tight. All the blood rushes from your brain to other parts of your body that are more in need. This is how a man’s mind works.

When a woman opens up a dick pic she is at first mortified. Embarrassment for you is her first reaction. And fellas, a woman being embarrassed for you is a one-way ticket to giving out the ick. She is not at first embarrassed by the size or girth or coloring of your junk, she is embarrassed that you thought this picture was going to make her swoon like a woman out of the 19^th century. She is embarrassed that this was your big play. She is embarrassed that you thought this picture was going to make her want you. She is embarrassed at how little you know of what gets a woman turned on and she cannot be with a man who knows that little about women.

Once she gets over your sheer audacity and lack of brain cells that made you hit send, she looks at the actual picture. If the point is to attract a woman enough to have sex with her the last thing you want to advertise is the ugliest appendage on a human body. There are poems about hands, soliloquies about ears, songs about eyes, but no one, and I mean no one, finds a penis to be a beautiful thing. You’re better off sending a picture of a severed octopus leg than a picture of your penis. I do not care how big it is. I do not care if it’s perfectly symmetrical. I do not care if the head is shaped like a portobello mushroom. I do not care if a woman ASKED you to send one. A dick isn’t the most flattering body part in person and it is downright ghastly on an iPhone.

It genuinely shocks me that men think sending a picture of their dick should be part of their mating ritual. No species to my knowledge in the animal kingdom starts by showing off their penis to attract a mate. Take a bowerbird for instance. The male bowerbird goes through painstaking detail to create the most beautiful nest it can in hopes of attracting a mate. Now imagine the female shows up, starts poking around the nest, and then BAM the bowerbird whips out it’s bowerbird penis. Talk about killing the mood. There’s a reason dogs have their little red thing covered. And there’s a reason Japanese porn videos blur out the guy’s nether region. That reason is simple – the penis is the least attractive thing about a guy.

Now let’s say you are one of the well-endowed men out there. If this is the case, congratulations. If not, don’t fret. You think girls care about size because your mind is probably warped by porn. If a girl says she broke it off with you because your penis is too small then a) she sucks and b) there were fifteen other things she didn’t like about you and she just wanted to cut you as deep as possible when breaking it off. But if you are lucky enough to have been birthed with a solid penis there are ways of showing it off without being downright disgusting. It’s called the grey sweatpants trick. The simple outline of your penis in grey sweatpants may have the desired affect you are looking for. The hint of a good-looking shlong is MUCH different than the full-frontal bare-naked version. Take the famous picture of Jon Hamm for instance (another one I am embarrassed that I’ve seen). You know the guys got a hog without having to see the very real and very veiny thing.

Now to point number two.

I was lucky enough to grow up in a generation where the most you did with your dick was wank it or measure it. We did not have cellphones at the age where the thought of sending a dick pic would be a good one. But as I got older and the technology allowed the dick pic to become an option I never had the smallest inkling to send one. I would never. Never fucking ever. Not to my wife. Not to myself. No dick on my phone.

However, I was not so lucky to grow up without the advent of porn. The stuff has been around longer than I can remember. Not only does it warp your brain on what real women want, it also makes the act of voyeurism seem normal. So, when it’s trending on twitter that Drake has made an all time faux-pax and someone decides to send you a link of said faux-pax, my generation barely bats an eye. We’ve seen way worse. We click the link. We gawk for a second. We move on. But I’ve decided to change my ways.

Which brings me to point number three.

After the Drake pic I will officially go on a dick pic viewing strike. If any famous man decides to do the unthinkable and send a picture of his stick to a lady, the picture gets leaked and is now trending, I will refuse to look at it. It’s like not revealing the name of a mass shooter. You cannot give this behavior attention. I will fight my social voyeuristic urges tooth and nail. I don’t think this particular rule will be difficult to adhere to but…

To top that, I will do the same for women. If a famous woman accidently tweets a picture of her bare breasts I will close my eyes. I will refuse to look. I will throw my phone into the ocean until the storm has passed. Though men and women are not the same in the way they view naked pictures, I will treat them equally in my abstention from looking. That is my promise.

P.S. – If a Jon Hamm style picture trends I may look – for research purposes.

P.P.S. – Breasts are objectively attractive and I may look – for research purposes.

P.P.P.S. - Do you think it’s a coincidence that all these rappers are dissing Drake after that picture was leaked? Even rappers get jealous. It’s just human nature.

P.P.P.P.S. - Mom, if you’ve gotten this far, I’m sorry.