The Ick

& the antidote...

It’s embarrassing to admit, but I do plenty of things that could give my wife The Ick at any given moment. Don’t we all? I can’t keep up with this persona of cool, brilliant, and handsome author all damn day. Sometimes I have to let my hair down (metaphorically, of course) and just be who I am and live with the consequences. Somehow, my wife still loves me. But playing with The Ick is a dangerous game. There is a line so fine in the brain of every woman that if you cross it, knowingly or unknowingly, there is no coming back from it.

For those of you who don’t know what The Ick is you’re probably living in a box. The easy definition is a forever turnoff. Something your partner does that is so egregious there is no coming back from it. It’s not cheating, or falling out of love, it is usually a small thing that causes irreparable reputational damage.

I’ve seen it happen live. You’re out having a great date with a lovely lady and everything is going well. The conversation is on point, you both look good, and you’ve both had enough drinks to make some bad decisions. She holds your arm, looks up at you dreamily, and you catch yourself in the reflection of a store front window. She watches you asses yourself, sees the satisfied face you make, and then it’s all over. She can no longer stand the sight of you. What man would look at himself in a window approvingly? This is her ick. You thought you were heading up to her place for the night but when you get there, she politely rescinds her invitation and sends your ass packing. You never hear from her again. She’s gotten The Ick and there is no known method for irradicating the disease.

 And ladies, don’t think this doesn’t happen to men. We just wait until after the deed is done to act upon it. Our ick tolerance is also way higher. We can withstand many icks as long as the physical attraction is there. But some icks we cannot ignore. For example, you’re out with a lady at the beach. You’ve brought a football because, well, you’re a guy. You start playing catch with said lady and she throws like a moron. That’s understandable. That can be forgiven. That does not cause The Ick. But then you ask her to run a route and tell her you will throw her a pass. She takes off, her arms flail like she’s off balance even though she’s running in a straight line, she goes to break off the route but can’t cut for shit, and the light toss you gave her goes through her hands and hits her in the face. Ick. You can’t procreate with that level of un-athleticism. And though men won’t act on this ick for months, it will be there nagging at them until the relationship ends.

The whole premise of The Ick is that it is very, very, personal. One person’s ick is another person’s key attribute. We don’t know how or why we get The Ick, it just happens. But there are some icks that are universal. These cannot be overcome. I trust, dear reader, that you will heed my warnings. If you don’t want to give The Ick out like it’s Covid, keep reading...

Top 3 Male Icks

1. Un-athleticism

As was hinted at above, un-athleticism is a big male ick. Though you may be dating a medical student with no athletic bone in his body, he still dreams his kid will hit the genetic lottery and end up playing a professional sport. He has no right to think this, but he does. He is a male. So when he finds out you can’t run, catch, kick, or pass he will get The Ick. To avoid this situation either refrain from any athletic events or get a personal coach. The coach might not be able to get your 40-yard dash time down to a respectable number but practicing catching a ball will go a long way. One quick tip ladies: in order to sit out any athletic event always have your nails done. It’s a built-in excuse that will work 100/100 times.

2. Baby Talk

Need I say more? I shouldn’t even have to write an explanation out, but I will. When a girl talks like a baby it sends douche chills up a guy’s spine. We can’t fathom the sound that just came out of our girl’s mouth. It’s bad if she’s talking to a dog but it’s even worse if she’s talking directly to us. Ladies, I’d recommend retiring any baby talk you once used until you have a ring on it. And even then, keep it to a bare minimum. I don’t know if us males are scared of commitment and the actual thought of our ladies talking to a baby makes us run for the hills or it’s an innate way for our male brains to weed out the psychopaths. (Men - once you have a baby of your own you’ll find yourself talking like a baby more than you care to admit – your wife will love the shit out of it. Sexism, man.)

3. Being blackout drunk

You’ve had a few (10) too many cocktails and you’re seeing three of everything. Your words are slurring, you can’t walk straight, and your guy is just watching you wobble around like a small child. It’s not a good look, but if you do it right it can be cute. 99% of women do not do this right. They take their drunkenness for authority and curiosity which turns into an incessant need to talk about serious topics. Do you love me? Do you want kids? When are you going to propose to me? We knew all along these topics were going to rear their ugly head but when you do it blacked out drunk we have plenty of reasons why the answer should be ‘no’ to all of the above. There’s also your penchant for picking a fight. Though you’re not looking me in my eyes, I can see clearly that any wrong move is going to end in a blowout. No man likes to fight with his girl in public. So ladies, if you ever find yourself in this situation, don’t think of all the things your guy is doing wrong and assault him for it, just enjoy being drunk.

Top 3 Female Icks

1. The wrong shoes

One time I bought Birkenstocks. You read that right...I bought fucking Birkenstocks. They looked comfy, what of it? The package arrived, I put my new Jesus 1’s on, and showed the wife. She almost puked on them. I dead seriously watched her gag. Luckily, she loves me more than this ick, otherwise I would’ve been toast. A man’s shoe game is very important. The shoes don’t need to be flashy or showy, they just need to be manly. No sketchers, no Velcro, no platforms, and no toes. Depending on the woman, thong sandals might be out. For all women, white thong sandals are out.

2. Mama’s boy

This one’s a tough pill to swallow. I’m a mama’s boy. I love her more than anything. And therein lies the problem. You cannot love your mother more than your girl. It’s that simple. Even if you do, you can’t say it. Don’t even think it for that matter. But it’s much more than jealousy. Your girl is looking at you like a provider and a protector. You are her man. When she sees you being babied by your mother she can’t help but see you for who you really are…a pussy.

3. Being blackout drunk

You’ve had a few (10) too many cocktails and you’re seeing three of everything. Your words are slurring, you can’t walk straight, and your girl is just watching you wobble around like a big dumb baby. It’s not a good look. But it’s not simply the blacked-out part that is the problem. It’s hygiene. With each successive drink there are farts escaping that you weren’t aware of, your lips have that white film on the sides of them, and the alcohol is starting to win against your deodorant’s defenses. To be blunt, you’re fucking gross. There is nothing you can really do about this except to curtail your alcohol intake. Maybe stick with a few cocktails and act like a grown-up and your girl will respect you. Or, just keeping blacking out and give her The Ick until she dumps your disgusting ass.

After reading these three female icks I realize I’ve fallen under each of these categories at one point or another. Not a great look, Alex. Not a great look at all. But there is only one thing that can conquer The Ick and that is genuine love. It’s hard to come by and you’ll be lucky if you find it once in your life. But if I’ve found it…shit, anyone can find it. You know how I know my wife loves me far beyond The Ick?

One time I was sitting at the edge of our bed on a small ledge. I was fresh out of the shower, so hygiene wasn’t the issue. Part of my leg was out of the towel, still wet, and I slipped off the side. The sound that came out of me was a mix of high shriek and scared grunt. I tried to catch my balance, which just made for more effeminate sounds and a longer fall. I crashed on the floor and sounded like the grape lady video. She laughed so hard at me I thought I’d never recover. I scraped the side of my leg, but what really hurt was my ego. I heard her cackle as she went to the closet outside of our room. I thought for sure she was leaving me. She walked back in with a few band aids and tears in her eyes from laughter. If that didn’t give my wife The Ick then nothing will.

P.S. – Repost with your ick (Instagram: @alexmooka) or drop your ick in the comments. For research…