The Reign of the Teetotalers
Weekly Shot #21
I am not inclined to vote in this year’s election. The choices are awful and I feel like I’m being played by the DNC, RNC, and whatever other NC there is out there that is in charge of putting forth candidates to lead this country. I will probably get in the booth, look down at the names, and go with my gut. Personally, I am going to hate whatever my gut says. Alas, I am an American and feel that it is my duty to vote. If I am to complain about what happens in the next four years I feel like I must have some skin in the game. There should be a rule that if you don’t vote you are obligated to shut the fuck up about politics until you do.
But one thing I will say is that after the last two presidents being teetotalers, my gut liver is telling me to vote Kamala. This has NOTHING to do with her policies or her personality. It has only to do with the fact that she allegedly knows how to party.
If this isn’t me telling a joke at a bar four deep, I don’t know what is.
Again, this has NOTHING to do with policy. But there is a reason that I enjoy a drink and that I miss a president who enjoys one too. It is mainly due to the fact that someone’s willingness to touch the edge of the uncontrollable, to go to the brink through having a cocktail or two (or five), is something I admire. I don’t want my president blacked out sure, but I do think they should be normal enough to go out and have a beer with a foreign dignitary or a common citizen and let their guard down a bit.
My favorite politician who ever lived, Winston Churchill, seemed to have this down pat. The guy would fortify himself with booze on the daily and was, shockingly, the only person with a ball sack big enough to stand up to Hitler. Was this because he was drunk? Probably not. But maybe? It certainly didn’t hurt. Because something that drinking does is give you a sense of confidence and that is something we are severely lacking. Just look at America’s tip-toeing Middle East policy. The lack of self-confidence we have as the greatest super power on the world stage can be directly attributed to the fact that for the past eight years our presidents haven’t had so much as a fucking Michelob Ultra.
Maybe if congress got together once a month and had a mandatory shindig, booze included, they might realize they aren’t so different. This would be one of those events where the boob rule would have to be put into effect. You know the saying: Martinis are just like boobs, one is not enough and three are too many. Two drinks put you in that perfect limbo, that happy-go-lucky, the world is a good place, I love the person next to me just because they exist type of headspace. If this group veers into the three-drink arena there will surely be fisticuffs.
There’s also this little thing called a hangover, of which I am exquisitely experienced in. The hangover is an extremely humbling experience that all politicians should have to encounter at least once a month (if not more). Sure, their problem-solving capabilities will be extremely diminished and one would hope they are not hungover when something major happens, but to be reminded often enough that they are human and do not have total power would be a good thing. Even kings get hangovers. It is a reminder that no matter how much power you have, you don’t have ultimate power. Humility is something more politicians need and can be gained through overindulging.
Another important point about drinkers is that they wear their vice on their sleeve. As the great NFL linebacker/coach Bryan Cox once said, a man without a vice definitely has some deeper issues, like someone tied up in the basement or multiple families.
Give this genius a watch: Bryan Cox on Vices
But would it be a surprise to anyone if it comes out that Donald Trump or Joe Biden have some sick and twisted hobby that doesn’t involve a couple pops at the local bar? I would not be colored shocked.
Unfortunately, teetotaling is a larger trend then just our past two presidents. According to studies, Gen Z doesn’t drink for shit. It’s kind of depressing. The great
has just written a piece about this in . To quote her:“Behold the Zoomers in their glorious sobriety, so much smarter, healthier, and more sensible than the sloppy, barfing generations that preceded them! But scratch the surface of Gen Z’s sobriety, and what you find isn’t wisdom so much as fear—of vulnerability, of failure, of being out of control.”
I highly recommend this article: What School Didn't Teach Us: You Need to Lose Control
We are living in an age where human optimization is more appealing than being human. If all we are trying to do is make humans more like AI, optimizing for peak performance, then why not just let the AI takeover and call it quits? Here’s a philosophical stumper: You know what AI can’t do? Have a beer and tell stories with friends. Call me crazy for wanting the person who is running the country to be a little more relatable and less like a talking mouth piece for a private corporation (aka the Democratic and Republican parties).
The only problem with voting a drunk and not just a casual drinker into office is how often drunks cause loads of damage but end up coming out squeaky clean. For example, a ton of drunk morons driving cars kill and maim innocent people every year and often leave the accident without a scratch. This, I assume, is what Kamala will do to the United States. I guess we’ll see where my gut, or liver, lands come election day. But I’ve always wanted to vote for someone I can have a drink with, and I hope that returns in my lifetime.
P.S. – You think our founding fathers just came up with the revolutionary ideas for our democracy dead sober? Another clip from
shows us that is not the case:The U.S. Constitution, notably, is a document as soaked in booze as the accompanying revolution was in blood. In a single evening, two days before the paper was finally signed, America’s founding fathers ran up a legendary bar tab that included 54 bottles of Madeira, 60 bottles of claret, and eight bottles of cider—plus seven large bowls of punch.
To think our founding fathers were drinking “punch”, aka Jungle Juice, really warms my heart.
P.P.S. – Last night the CEO of Substack
subscribed to my newsletter. It had to be a mistake. Some sort of butt dial or accidental click. But if he reads this article and stays subscribed then I know we have a Hell or Hangover loyalist in a position of power. The revolution begins.P.P.P.S. – If my page suddenly gets shut down, we will also know why. It was a good run.
OK but as long as Walz isn't driving!
All you need is one shot