Weekly Shot #1

I’ve decided to make a new segment in which I can blow off some steam mid-week. This will not be the normal Saturday post, but a shorter version of things that have popped up during the week that I need to vent about. For those of you who can’t stomach reading for ten whole minutes, or do not have the mental capacity to do so, this will be for you.

For the first installment I have to mention Jason Kelce’s retirement. If you didn’t know this about me, I am a Philadelphia Eagles fan. I imagine this information is going to change the way you think of me. Most Eagles fans are scumbags. I won’t argue this point. However, I am not the type of guy that will get so riled up at sports that I would throw batteries at Santa Clause (Eagles fans did this). I was co-opted into being an Eagle fan by my father who grew up near Philly and I haven’t been able to shake the stench off.

Not having Jason Kelce on the team not only ruins the offensive line but removes one of the most likeable Eagles I’ve ever had the pleasure to root for. He seems like the exact opposite of his brother Travis in almost every way – and Travis is the real culprit of this blog.

For the past year we have seen more of Travis Kelce than we ever wanted to. If I were to make a list of unlikeable things this guy has done I could easily turn this into a Saturday 1500+ word blog simply shitting on the man. The guy had his own dating show and is a shill for Pfizer – is it possible to concoct a more annoying human being? Throw the whole Taylor Swift thing in there and you have a tornado of hate (No disrespect to Taylor, of course. I’m not trying to piss off any Swifties in my massive following of 75 subscribers!).

But after this past Super Bowl I am officially on team Travis. How could that be? Well, it was something very simple. When the Chiefs were in the redzone and Isiah Pacheco fumbled the ball, Travis was caught screaming at (and shoving) his head coach. Why in the world would that make me become pro Travis? That’s simple too - the reaction. People (the majority being women) from up and down the internet wondered if Travis was the right man for Taylor because of his actions during the game. Did Travis have an anger problem? Would Travis have that same fiery energy in his relationship with Taylor? Is Travis Kelce…abusive?

Now ladies, look, I know you tune in to one football game a year and that’s to watch the half-time show. I get it. Football doesn’t get your heart racing like that show on Netflix with the pods (omg, can you even believe Chelsea said she looked like Megan Fox?!?). But for us guys, football is everything. If you’ve never been in a huddle, looking at your teammates like your brothers-in-arms, then you have no idea how serious us guys take football. It’s quite literally life or death and I’m getting a surging pump of adrenaline just writing this. So who cares if Travis got a little fired up that he wasn’t in the game during the fumble. To be honest, he has a fucking point. He’s the best tight end in football and should be on the field at all times. And his little eruption looks cute compared to the way I’ve been screamed at by football coaches. I think I still have a piece of chewing tobacco stuck in my eye from a pop-warner coach screaming his face off at me when I was nine. These things happen in football and if you’ve never stepped foot on a field you just wouldn’t understand.

So ladies, I beg of you, leave us men our football. We don’t have much. We’re simple. We want to watch other men hit each other at full speed and we will yell and scream at the tv and the players and coaches will yell and scream at each other. This is the way our brains work. Most importantly, this does not translate back to how I treat my wife (unless she’s blocking the TV during a football game). You leave us football; we’ll leave you The Bachelor. Deal?