Weekly Shot #11
How I Survived Mother’s Day 2024
I realize I missed a massive opportunity to get in the wife’s good graces by not making my last post about Mother’s Day. Half the reason I write these is to make her laugh. She is my barometer for how funny a post is and when I ask her to read one I watch her face intently to see if I’ve hit the mark. If I can get an audible laugh, then we’re in business. If I’ve gone too far in her mind, then I’ve gone way too fucking far. She is Editor in Chief at Hell or Hangover Industries, spellchecker, wife, mother extraordinaire, and shockingly she still has enough energy to run her own business (Peanut Boards).
But she wasn’t laughing this year when I mentioned one of my best friends (the same friend who I had an accidental erotic subzero camping mishap with – read more about that here - California Cold ) was coming to New Jersey from his home in Florida and that he wanted to see us on Mother’s Day. It wasn’t because she is jealous of the *coughs* bond *coughs* my friend and I have. And of course she wanted to see him. That goes without saying. But she wasn’t laughing because Mother’s Day is supposed to be her day off. She has earned this. Her countless hours have MORE than earned a 24 hour period of doing absolutely nothing. No kids. No work. No play. No nothing.
But, you see, my friend is married and does not have kids yet. When you don’t have kids Mother’s Day can seem like a throw away holiday. Men with a wife and kids know this is not the case. Mother’s Day is the Superbowl of holidays. If you fuck it up it can mean a year of hard labor like you were sent to a Gulag.
What I should have done was tell my friend that his visit was out of the question. What I should have done was tell my wife that I DENIED his request. What I should have done was tell her that Sunday was her day and I would make any sacrifices necessary to ensure that. Who cares if I haven’t seen him in three months, baby, Mother’s Day is your day *winks at the camera*. I would have earned serious brownie points for at least a day or two.
Instead, like a moron, I mentioned with trepidation that he would not be staying the whole day and that his plan was to make stops throughout the day to each one of our friends’ houses. We would be the first stop in the morning and from there she could go back to laying in bed watching her newest obsession Summer House (which I have inadvertently gotten into, as I tend to do, which is illuminated here: Throuple Double ). Anyway, can you believe Everett?
“Why would he do that?” she asked.
“Because he wants to see everyone before he goes home,” I said, thinking nothing of it.
“That’s odd,” she said.
Her antenna was up. Thank God for her intuition. She knew that my friend and his wife had pulled the goalie (aka - been trying to have a kid) and that it was strange that he would be making the rounds to each one of our friends knowing he had a flight to catch that night. She explained her theory.
“She’s pregnant and he wants to tell all of you,” she said.
“You think so?” I asked.
“I know so. We should have everyone over for brunch,” she said.
Now, if you’re not married, you can’t possibly understand the stress having people over puts on a wife. The house must be spotless, the floors must be vacuumed, the fridge must be stocked, the spread must be cute, and the stress of it all will be high. It’s the antithesis of doing nothing. But she insisted we do the brunch and I began to pray.
My prayer was simple: please God let my friend’s wife be pregnant.
Because instead of my wife spending Mother’s Day in a state of abject bliss, in bed watching nonsense TV, being doted on hand and foot as daddy wrangled the kids - my friends, their wives, and their kids, all crammed into our humble abode at 10 AM on Mother’s Day morning.
There were a couple of hours where I started to get nervous. The champagne began to flow, I built a solid buzz, and I completely forgot why we were doing this. If this was just going to turn into a typical gathering where the guys go into one corner and drink/gamble on sports while the girls go into another corner and gossip/watch the kids, then I was in for a rude awakening the next morning.
But luckily, out of nowhere, my friend stood up and said:
“Alright everybody, I have an announcement. We’re pregnant!”
The relief that coursed through my veins was almost as high as my excitement for my friend and his wife and their growing family. I got a wee bit emotional and I don’t know if it was because I knew my wife wasn’t going to castrate me or that the prospect of new life makes me sentimental (or like I said, I had built a solid buzz).
Regardless, and as always, my wife’s intuition was correct.
So, congrats to my friend on the coming baby and congrats to me on not being murdered in my sleep on Mother’s Day 2024.
P.S. - Pecs, you’ll soon know better than to make any plans with the boys on Mother’s Day. Godspeed keddddd. Love ya.