Weekly Shot #15 - "I Did A Thing"

I’ve opened up Instagram to a bevy of posts and ads that I don’t care about. I don’t really care for anything on Instagram but I can’t stop my stupid little thumb from heading towards that stupid little rainbow app and tapping. It’s habit, or addiction, at this point. I aimlessly scroll, getting nothing of educational or personal value, until I hit a post with the caption – “I did a thing.”

I wonder what said thing is, so I focus my glazed eyes on the picture.

My anger is already at a fever pitch. My retinas have dilated, my fingers start to twitch with fury, my heart is pumping at an unhealthy pace. Once I dig through the six pictures posted (wasn’t it great when it was just 1 picture?) and figure out what the thing that was done is, I want to comment how much I hate the thing. It doesn’t matter what the thing is– it’s the way the thing was presented.

“I did a thing.”

Did you? Congratulations. But what’s the point of having a place to write the thing that you did just to write that you did a thing? The caption is the place where you are supposed to explain the thing you did. Here are some simple examples:

I got a puppy.

I got a job.

I have a seriously hot political take that I feel the need to unload on you.

See, it’s that easy.

“I did a thing” implies the thing that was done is important. Or it used to. It often isn’t anymore. What if everyone posted about all the things they did in a day? Instagram would be worse than it already is.

I woke up today. That’s a thing I did. Rem stopped, my dreams of publishing a novel faded back into oblivion, and I panicked as I remembered I am still alive. Should I let everyone know?

I went to the bathroom today. That’s a thing I did. Should I post about that magical experience?

I went to the supermarket today, too. That’s a thing I did. Besides the surging price of beef, there was nothing exceptional about the trip.

I am constantly doing things. The things never stop. If I posted the number of things I did on Instagram your head would spin and my followers would decrease at a rapid rate.

So, as I violently type “CONGRATULATIONS!!!!” on the engagement picture that is captioned with “I did a thing” I will consider, if I am invited to the wedding, being the guy who stands up and says he objects to the union. I will be the guy who gets too drunk and makes a mockery of the entire celebration. I will be the guy who grabs the mic from the best man and makes a drunken speech about all the previous relationships the groom had and why they didn’t work out. I will hit on the bride. I will hit on the bride’s maids. I will hit on the groomsmen or the father of the bride if I think it will cause a big enough scene. I will do just about anything to ruin the wedding, my wife will then divorce me, my kids will never look at me the same, and it will all be out of spite. It will all be because you didn’t have the decency to simply type out the thing you did in the place designated. Then I will post about the glorious occasion of your wedding day on my own page with the caption - “I did a thing”.