Weekly Shot #16 - Prohibit-Zyn

...and moving to bi-weekly posts for a little

If you are sitting outside, enjoying your day, maybe sipping on a Green Isaac’s Special (my favorite cocktail), and you hear a wailing sound similar to the cries of professional mourners, it is probably a group of young men huddled around an empty Zyn can. The reason for their theatrics is because Phillip Morris, the maker of Zyn, has officially suspended all sales in the United States following a subpoena by the District of Columbia’s Attorney General (that’s Washington D.C.’s head lawyer for all the slow ones in the back).

The gist of the subpoena is that Zyn is selling flavored tobacco products, which is against the law. This law was originally instituted to make sure that kids were not getting addicted to tobacco products through “nice” tasting tobacco options they wouldn’t have otherwise tried if it weren’t for the plethora of flavor choices awarded to them. I could say that any flavored tobacco product usually tastes like Robitussin or that before there was ever such a thing as “flavored” tobacco American’s were smoking unfiltered cigarettes at an astonishing clip. I could also go on and on about how Zyn is not technically tobacco and that, if anything, Zyn is single handedly changing the way people consume nicotine in a healthier way. But none of these semantics matter. Instead, I’m going to tell you a little story here about what the government thinks they control and what they actually control.

Alcohol, by law, can only be sold to individuals who are 21 years or older. We all know this. Now, I’m going to let you in on a little secret – this law is not always recognized. I had my first drink when I was fourteen. At sixteen my friends and I would stand outside of our local deli and get older patrons to buy us six packs. Sometimes they would even throw in a tin of cherry long-cut Skoal for good measure. Talk about corrupting the youth! (The first time I dipped cherry long-cut I was curled around my toilet buck naked for three hours).

It’s pretty easy for most underage hooligans to come across booze. It might take some work but if you really want to, you can find it. For me and my group of friends it did not take much work at all. I started playing football at the age of five. I stopped at the age of twenty. All of my friends are large and testosterone filled and have always looked much older than they are. One friend in particular started losing his hair at the ripe age of seventeen and ever since that day we were walking into the deli and buying the booze ourselves. His hairline was all the identification necessary. At nineteen I was able to buy kegs from this deli and no one batted an eye. It’s probably the reason I’m a booze hound to this day. But the question is - do I think that our country should be cracking down on Budweiser because my local deli is trying to turn a profit at my young liver’s expense? Fuck no. Do I think Phillip Morris should be in trouble because that same deli that sold me booze also sold me a pack of Marlboro 27’s? Fuck no. And it’s not even arguable to say that a 30 pack of Bud Heavy’s and pack of smokes are in the same ball park health wise as a Zyn pouch. You would think the government had more important issues to tackle than cracking down on a solid alternative to cancer sticks.

News flash D.C. - kids want to do things they aren’t supposed to. They also want to get fucked up. If it’s not beer, or weed, or tobacco, or Zyn, they’ll find something else - like bath salts for instance. Maybe we should put a ban on those too! It’ll be a shame when Epsom salts are off the shelves. My wife won’t be able to take a relaxing bath after a miserable day with two psycho path children and I’ll bear the brunt of her anger. And it’ll all be because some fuck in Florida decided to snort her favorite Dr. Teal’s and the government just had to crack down.

I’ve never felt like waving a “Don’t Tread On Me” flag more in my life (or “No Step On Snek” for my Fifth Column people).

P.S.- It may or may not be due to the Zyn shortage that I will be moving each weekly shot to bi-weekly shots and weekend binges to bi-weekend binges. I’m working on my first edit of a mystery novel I’ve written and want to focus my energy there until the end of summer. I will not leave you hanging. You will still get one post a week, instead of two, for the time being (unless it’s a very urgent matter that needs my brilliant commentary). Once I get this novel out the door to agents for them to reject, we are back to our regularly scheduled programming.