Weekly Shot #2

Alabama Slammer

The wife and I are awaiting baby number 2. In five short days our lives will be over…again. It always makes me laugh that bringing life into the world inevitably ends the “life” of the people bringing it in. I wouldn’t have it any other way. I can rest easy at night knowing the person I was before being a parent can stay buried.

Luckily, we were not in need of IVF (in-vitro fertilization) for either of our two.  To be honest, they’re both “whoopsies” in a sense. There was no need to follow my wife’s ovulation schedule, check for full moons, pay attention to wind patterns, or do any other type of voodoo tricks to get pregnant. We were lucky. I know many people aren’t. I don’t envy having to have sex on a timer in order to hit the exact time your wife’s egg has gotten into the ready position. I think I’d be dog shit at sex under pressure. I’m dog shit enough without it.

I’ve seen how hard it is on people who desperately want to have children but cannot. It’s sad for both parties and the relationship as a whole. Both people think it’s their own fault at best and they think it’s the other person’s defunct body at worst. Luckily we live in a world where something like IVF can save the relationship and bring more people into the world. I am not of those sickos who think fewer human beings is the answer to our problems. As much as I hate people – I don’t. I can’t. All you have to do is constantly remember that each person has the same fears, wants, and needs as you.

So when I heard about the new law in Alabama that passed I was at first confused, then a bit angered, which could only mean there was something funny to mine out of it. The law states that a frozen fertilized egg used for IVF should be treated like a living child. If someone accidentally or purposefully destroys the fertilized egg they can be charged with the “wrongful death of a minor”. The case stems from a patient at a hospital who went into the cryo-freezer where these eggs were stored and destroyed a few.

Now I really don’t know shit about the ins and outs of this particular law – but what I do know is that you can’t consider a bunch of cells in a freezer a human being. If you have kids then you know there is a big difference between a glint in dad’s eye and the real fucking thing. And any moron with half a brain cell can see where this is headed…

If a fertilized egg is considered a child then couldn’t the makings of said fertilized egg be considered a child? You know, egg and sperm?

I can just imagine the next series of events. A law is passed that destroying any egg or sperm, fertilized or not, is considered the “wrongful death of a minor”. Every time a woman has her period, is bleeding out from her nether region, attacking her husband for things he didn’t do like cheat on her in a dream she just had, she would be taken off to jail. Actually, this doesn’t sound like a bad idea. But then I think about the male version. These poor Alabaman guys are going to be hauled off at a heavy clip every time they spill some seed. As a guy there is a moment after masturbation where you hate yourself. It’s a disgusting moment and I assume this moment will only get worse when the cops bust down your door and arrest you for multiple murders after you’ve cracked some stick. Next thing you know you’re in the Alabama slammer – disgusted with yourself and a lot of time to think about what you’ve done.