Weekly Shot #8

“The college kids doth protest too much, methinks.”

Well, Columbia looks fun! If you aren’t up to date with the happenings on Columbia University’s campus consider yourself lucky (or probably just employed with a life). In solidarity with Palestine, a place these very rich and very annoying students just recently found on a map, there have been massive protests that I am sure the Israeli government is keeping a close eye on. Does Netanyahu have a choice but to stop the war in Gaza after seeing this?

Who knew that stepping was all we needed to stop the war. I’m sure this is what Jesus had in mind when he said turn the other cheek. He was clearly talking about ass cheek. T-minus 6 hours before there is a twerk off for Palestine that will no doubt convince the Israeli government they’ve gone too far.

As is tradition, these protests have gone from being pro-Palestine to anti-Jewish in a matter of seconds. Or, as the protestors call it, “anti-Zionist”. The protestors are pretty clear about not wanting the Jewish state of Israel to exist. When you chant “Burn Tel-Aviv to the ground” you kind of lose any ambiguity in your argument. But they will still say they don’t hate “Jews” they just hate “Zionists”. That’s like saying you want to tear down a forest but you don’t want to harm the birds living there.

“We don’t hate the birds; we just want them to leave the forest. It wasn’t their forest in the first place. They stole the forest. The birds should just have to go back to Poland where they belong.” – a Columbia student whose idea it was to tear down the forest.

I’m sure there are students who are protesting for the right reasons. I’ve said this before and I will say it again, war sucks. We’ve lost our humanity when we get to the point that words cannot stop fighting. It’s the worst thing we do as humans. But when you start protesting one war and your solution is to eliminate an entire country, that sounds to me like you just want more war.

The funniest part about these protests is Columbia is not even a top five school in my uneducated brain. The only good thing to come out of Columbia in the past twenty years is Bari Weiss (a Jew, I might add).  If this was at Harvard or Princeton or Yale or MIT I might have taken them seriously (not really) but Columbia? I’ll pass. Now of course I wasn’t smart enough to get into any of these colleges or I wouldn’t be writing a Substack called Hell or Hangover which highlights stories about P. Diddler or Drake’s dick pick, but I’m starting to think I might actually be smarter than the students at our “elite” “universities”. That’s when you know things are bad. I’m a moron and these people are making me feel like Albert fucking Einstein (another Jew, I might add).

I saw the funniest tweet yet about the subject by Jeff Maurer (subscribe to his Substack – it’s fucking hilarious)

But my real question is what cause would have made me decide to stage a campus revolt against the powers that be during my years at college? What possible world event could get me so worked up that I needed to protest so hard I forgot to eat or sleep like Isra Hirsi. Yes, the daughter of congress woman Ilhan Omar says she was protesting so hard that she could not find food or shelter. I hope this blog finds her as I’ve attached a picture that may help her out of her predicament.

But really – what could have possibly woken me up out of my college dorm bed with so much verve other than a kegs and eggs party? Let’s see…

1 – A test the Monday after Superbowl

This should be filed under cruel and unusual punishment. We all know that if a presidential nominee were to campaign on the simple premise that the country should have off the Monday after the Superbowl he or she would win in a fucking land slide. And if a professor decided to have a test on the Monday after Superbowl I would sit outside his office with a picket sign. I would go on every social media platform and start a trending hashtag. I would twerk, and step, and stomp my way to failing the test because in no way would I ever study instead of drinking an exorbitant amount of alcohol watching the greatest American spectacle.

2 – Shutting down the omelet station in the dining hall

Dining hall food sucks. I grew up in a house where every day revolved around what’s for dinner and often times my dinners were way above gourmet level. Going from ropa vieja to dining hall meat loaf was a culture shock I still haven’t gotten over. But the omelet station kept me well fed. It’s hard to go wrong with eggs and an assortment of fillings even if the eggs are poured into the pan out of one of those cardboard cartons. If the omelet station was cut because they needed to pay an administrator an exorbitant salary to tell me that Monmouth University was actually sitting on stolen land, I’d have no choice but to protest.

3 – A dry campus

What is college for if not to booze? I mean sure, you’re supposed to become educated, grapple with ideas, find your calling, etc… but clearly even our top universities have stopped doing any of these things. So, what’s left? Partying. College really is a social experiment. Let’s put a bunch of kids whose brains are not fully formed in one place without parental supervision and see what happens! There’s only one way to ratchet that experiment up to a boiling point and that’s the addition of alcohol. Without booze in college, I might still be a virgin. Without booze in college, I might have started writing ten years earlier. Without booze in college, I could have just stayed home and saved my parents $36,000 a year. A dry campus is no campus at all, and I would gladly glue my hand to a building or handcuff myself to a gate in order to keep booze where it belongs – in the hands of college students.

So you see, I’m not the heartless bastard you think I am. There are causes out there that are dear to my heart. The extermination of a Jewish state is not one of them, but the above three are. If you stand for nothing, you’ll fall for anything.