Cohen, Soto, Mangione, Means

A hypothetical...

I’m not a huge fan of murder. It’s just not my bag. I’m more of a due process, justice system, law & order type of guy, you know? Call me naive, but when someone commits a crime you would hope that the police can find the culprit, that the state or the federal government can prosecute the culprit, and that the culprit goes to jail. I understand that I am simplifying almost to parody, but if the system fails and people start taking justice into their own hands we are no different than Gotham City or 1880’s Sicily.

I’m reminded of a quote by a different Luigi, the Italian writer, Luigi Barzini Jr:

"The reason why Sicily is ungovernable is that the inhabitants have long ago learned to distrust and neutralize all written laws and to govern themselves in their own rough homemade fashion as if official institutions did not exist. This arrangement is highly unsatisfactory because it cures no ills, promotes injustice and tyranny, leaves crimes unpunished, does not make use of the Sicilians' best qualities, and has kept the country stagnant and backward in almost every way."

A sceptic might say, but what if the institutions fail? What if the supposed law & order you like so much does not exist? What if people are committing crimes and not being prosecuted? What if asshole CEOs of massive health insurance companies are using AI to falsely deny peoples claims? What if it takes a “hero” like Luigi Mangione or Batman to take matters into their own hands?

To those skeptics I must admit, you have a point. There is a serious problem on our hands. For a while now it has felt like the rich are getting richer and the poor are getting poorer (though if you just take a little step back into history and remind yourself that the majority of people that have ever lived didn’t have a hot shower, then even poor people are doing just fine thanks to capitalism). It feels like the wealthy and privileged are living on a different planet than the rest of us. It feels like your everyday common man could go to jail for mis-using a pronoun while CEO’s of insurance companies who are illegally denying claims get off scot-free. I can see where the disgust comes in. I can see where the anger comes in. But do ends justify means?

I certainly don’t think so, but I’m normal. According to some poll or another, more than half of young people think Luigi Mangione is a folk hero. You can also read

Eddie Huang

latest Substack post were he says “murder is bad but…” and goes on to fellate Luigi Mangione for a thousand words. Apparently many people feel this way about Mangione (and it’s not just because he’s good looking).

So I’d like to do a little thought experiment…

What is the one thing I want most in life? What is the one thing I would try any means to get an end result I wanted? A happy family? Sure. Healthy kids? Of course. Or…a New York Yankees World Series win? For the sake of this here Substack I’m gonna go with the Yankees winning it all and I am going to try to justify the sickest means possible to get there. At the end of it, let’s see if I am pro- or anti-Luigi.

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The star: Steve Cohen, a fellow University of Pennsylvania graduate like Mangione, hedge fund manager, New York Met’s owner, and convicted criminal.

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The Backstory: Mr. Cohen started his hedge fund in 1992 called SAC capital. Real original name, buddy. From 1992 all the way to 2007 Cohen’s hedge fund turned a profit. A 15 year run the likes of which had never been seen on Wall Street. The first year they lost money happened to be in 2008, when the entire economy went to shit, banks went belly up, the tax payer bailed them out, and NO ONE served serious time for it. This was the beginning of our distrust in institutions and also the beginning of what should have been the end of one Steven A. Cohen.

After the global collapse of our economic institutions the FBI had their antenna up for all sorts of white-collar crime and they decided to treat this crime like they had previously handled the Mafia. They made broad and sweeping investigations, they focused their small resources compared to the Mafia hedge funds on finding out how these hedge funds got their information and whether that information was illegal. In theory, they thought they were building another team of Untouchables.

These guys > Luigi Mangione

This may come as a shock, but SAC capital made hundreds of millions, possibly billions, on insider information. One of the biggest trades SAC made was shorting an Alzheimer drug after one of their employees swindled their way into the life of a doctor who was on the trial team. The doctor had just lost his son and the SAC employee became almost a surrogate son. Heartbreaking shit. At the very end of the trial the doctor showed the SAC employee the results, that the drug was not going to work, and that employee called Steven Cohen. SAC capital just happened to hedge their current position and short the shit out of the stock. They made $275 Million including avoided losses on that one trade alone.

But of course these big hedge funds could buy their way out of this problem. Instead of the FBI prosecuting individuals who had dug in their heels ready to fight the charges, unabashedly loyal to Steve Choen, the FBI were forced to press charges on SAC capital as a whole instead of personally charging Mr. Cohen. SAC was fined billions of dollars, Steven Cohen ate the fine, and still had 10 billion dollars in the bank. 10 years later, Steven Cohen had enough money to BUY the New York Mets.

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The Inciting Incident: Luigi Mangione is fuming in his UPENN bedroom where he has just taken a class about how bad and mean capitalism is. He is fuming at the unfairness of it all. Somehow, due to time travel, I run into Luigi at a coffee shop where I inform him that the person that should be in jail is one Steve Cohen. I remind him of all his crimes against the people and how he got off. I start to fill his head with sick ideas that Steve Cohen needs to get what is coming to him. I place a handgun under his pillow and I disappear into the ether. Luigi holds on to both the handgun and the ideas I’ve incepted into his head until…

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The Climax: The date is December 4^th, 2024. The Juan Soto contract talks are in full swing and the number keeps growing. 500 million, 600 million, 700 million for 15 years to play baseball! This number infuriates Luigi Mangione. 700 million dollars to play a kid’s game? Capitalism is the worst! That 700 million could go to saving puppies or solving world hunger. Do you know how many meals 700 million could buy?! Luigi can’t take it. And then he finds out that the highest bidder is looking like it is going to be one Steven A. Cohen. The same Steven A. Cohen who didn’t spend a minute in jail for his crimes. The same Steven A. Cohen who a random person in a coffee shop warned him about. Mangione switches his plans and heads up to Queens. He finds Cohen, puts one in his leg and two in his head, collects the shell casings, and rides off into the sunset, feeling like he’s done some good in this world.

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The End: Steve Cohen is pronounced dead, the Mets are in turmoil, and Juan Soto decides to stay with the Yankees. The Yankees go on a tear in the year 2025, win the World Series, and begin a new dynasty the likes of which have never been seen, all thanks to the folk hero Luigi Mangione.

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The 700 Million Dollar Question: Do the ends justify the means?

My first thought is…of course! Give me Juan Soto back for fucks sake. That signing had me watching the Dominican Winter League in a puddle of my own tears. One year the Yankees have the best hitter in baseball and the next…poof. Gone. And so I imagine a world without Steve Cohen. I imagine a world where the Yankees still have the biggest purse strings. And through this imagining I start to think like those two inbreds sticking up for John Gotti.

But, after thinking it over, I realize I don’t want to win that way.

Let Cashman cook and build a new team around new players and let’s see what happens. Cohen, you can keep Soto and your life. I’ll ride with the Yankees until the wheels fall off and sleep easy at night knowing I didn’t murder anyone to get what I wanted.

P.S. - I miss Soto already, that fat fuck.

P.P.S. - The true folk hero this city deserves.