Drake & DJ Khaled Concert for Peace

How To Solve The War In The Middle East (not the Kendrick Lamar beef)

If you’re online at all (or even if you’re not) you’ve no doubt been sucked into the vortex of the Israel vs. Palestine debate. I too have been goaded out of my apolitical default to give my useless opinion, though I try to lighten up the seriousness of the whole situation with some much-needed humor. If you can’t joke about the worst things imaginable then joking is useless. Pete Davidson made a fucking career out of it.

At the end of the day, I am a man of peace. I’ve said it once, I’ve said it twice, and I’ll say it a third and final (probably not)¹ time – war fucking sucks. Killing people in lieu of talking to people is a way in which humans devolve into animals. Though sometimes war is necessary, that doesn’t make it good. But I think I’ve come up with a solution. We need the two biggest stars of these respective tribes to hold a peace concert.

Maybe it’s exceptionalist of me to think this way, but there’s no chance in hell I’d want the headliners of this concert to be actual Israeli/Palestinian musicians. I’m not trying to knock their music; I’m just saying American music is far superior and far wider reaching and more likely to draw eyes and dollars towards the peaceful end of the conflict. Ofra Haza and Kamilya Jubran won’t pull in the same numbers as American artists.  Yes, I just googled “famous Israeli/Palestinian musicians” to get these two names. No, I have no idea who they are either, dear reader.

So it falls to America (and Canada, in this case) to save the day. It is one of the longest standing traditions (along with America sticking its nose into other countries business) for the USA to swoop in at the last minute and save the world from imminent disaster. During WWII we stormed the beaches of Normandy, for the Israel/Palestine conflict we will send in…Drake & DJ Khaled.

There is a reason these two must headline the peace concert. Drake is Jewish (and black) and DJ Khaled is Palestinian. These two have put aside those differences countless times to make hit after hit. And in an industry where everyone seems to be at each other’s neck (i.e.- Drake v. everyone) these two genuinely seem to be friends.

They will host the concert in the holiest of cities – Jerusalem – where countless wars have been fought, where millions of people have died for a thousand different causes, and where Jesus was crucified. The sacred history of Jerusalem has all culminated to make way for Drake and DJ Khaled to usher in a new peace this region has never known.

They’ll start their show with the banger No New Friends. The title of the song is pretty appropriate. These two groups haven’t been friends for quite some time and it doesn’t look like they are going to become friends any time soon. Both sides are “still here with their day ones” and “stay riding for their day ones” and for the foreseeable future will continue to “stay down for their day ones.” If the lyrics to this song don’t start a mosh pit in Jerusalem I’d be surprised, so I am going to suggest a little lyric change. I was thinking No New States which would certainly please the Israeli side, much to the chagrin of the Palestinians. But then I think about it again and the Palestinians could say the same thing about the creation of Israel. Both sides agree that the other state shouldn’t exist, which brings us right back to where we started. But hey, at least we got one agreement, which is a great way to start this peace concert off.

Next, Drake will come out solo to a roar from the Israeli fans. To calm down the crowd he will perform Marvin’s Room, his ballad-ish hit off the album Take Care. “I’m just saying you could do better,” would be a line directed at everyone in the arena. If there’s anything we’ve learned over the last seven months it’s that the current situation is not a sustainable one. But the real lyric I want changed is the ending – when Drake talks about a white girl saying the N word. Instead of talking to a crazy Karen hell bent on getting her teeth kicked in, I think Drake should direct the line to the Jewish students on American campuses who are deathly afraid to speak the truth.

“Her Jewish friend said “you Hamas lovers are crazy”…I hope no one heard that... I hope no one heard that… Cause if they did we gon’ be in some trouble…”

To pick up the mood, DJ Khaled will return to the stage with special guest Lil Baby, who I am sure is up to date on all the nuances in the region. He seems like a guy who is well versed in Middle Eastern politics. With lyrics like “You can’t fight fire with fire, I know but at least we can turn up the flames,” I’m not sure he knows that a fire includes flames or who’s even fighting in this particular conflict. What I do know is that he’ll be burning bush (marijuana) the entire time (shout out Moses).

Regardless, the three will perform their 2022 single Staying Alive which, again, is apropos for the environment they find themselves in. Both sides of this war are trying to stay alive at all times, though the IDF is doing a much better job than Hamas is at the moment. Hamas firing rockets into Israel is like me sending off emails to book agents: they are shot down immediately. Instead of “I-I-I-I’m staying alive,” as the main hook, they’ll have to switch it to “Ha-Ha-Hamas staying alive,” because somehow the terrorist organization is still holed up in Rafah trying to get more of their own people killed by not giving the fuck up already.

When the song ends, DJ Khaled will say “anotha one” for the thousandth time during this show alone and he won’t be talking about terrorist attacks or buildings bombed, but the next anthem the duo will play as Lil Baby exits the stage.

The beginning of the beat from the song Pop Star will blare from the speakers, the crowd will throw their hands up in jubilation, and another set of guests will walk out. That’s right, the Pop Stars of Israel and Palestine will join the show. Benjamin Netanyahu will make a guest appearance to a cacophony of boos from both sides and rap the first part of the hook -“UN calling my phone like I’m locked up nonstop, from the plane to the fuckin helicopter, oh yeah,” while hitting The Griddy. Then Yahya Sinwar will emerge from a secret tunnel and finish the hook – “IDF pulling up like I’m giving out drugs, nah, nah (or yahya?), I’m a terrorist not a doctor,” while doing the NayNay (or YayYay?). At the end of the song these two will hug it out and as they let go a sniper bullet will blast through Sinwar’s head (or more likely he’ll be given a deadly poison off the cheek of Netanyahu. It’s not that far fetched - seriously, read Rise and Kill First. Israel is good at that shit.)

The last song on the peace concert docket will be For Free, another track Drake (and I guess DJ Khaled?) crafted. No one really knows what DJ Khaled does but we love him anyway. Drake will switch the opening lines to foster unity between the crowd as Sinwar’s limp body is dragged off the stage.

“The war goes on and on, can’t understand how it lasts so long. I wish I had the superpowers to stop this shit for at minimum a hundred hours.”

In other words, Drake will be pushing for a ceasefire, which I think we can all agree would, at the very least, shut everyone up for a few days (and possibly get those spoiled rich kids off the college lawns and back to their classrooms where they will be taught how racist/sexist/misogynistic/homophobic everyone is except the radical Islamists who are actually those things). If a ceasefire is the next step to peace then I’m all for it. Whatever it takes to get peace in that area is worth a shot. But we know nothing comes “for free” in this life, so maybe the real solution is both sides have to give a little to get a lot. For example, Israel has to give up building settlements in Palestinian territory and Palestine has to give up radical Islam (which, ipsofacto, means giving up brutal terrorist massacres). Maybe Drake can end the concert with a quote from Thomas Sowell - “There are no solutions in this life, only tradeoffs, peace out Jerusalem,” but I doubt that will happen. He’ll probably end the concert screaming “I’m not a pedophile, I swear,” as the crowd descends back into the madness it is currently, and always has been, embroiled in.

P.S. - Drake & DJ Khaled decided they would leave All I Do Is Win off the set list as it could be too triggering.

P.P.S. - Drake & DJ Khaled also thought about bringing Israeli singer Eden Golan of Eurovision fame out as a guest but both thought it might be too controversial.

P.P.P.S– Alternate (but same) ending: When everyone’s on a high and is willing to give peace a chance, Kendrick Lamar will come out of the shadows and murder Drake in cold blood in front of thousands of screaming fans, causing the war in the Middle East to continue raging on.

P.P.P.P.S. – Lighten up. Yes you, with your veins sticking out of your neck yelling at the screen. It’s satire - which is easy to write when people around you aren’t dying. This is foxhole humor, but I am not in said foxhole. If I were ever unlucky enough to be involved in a war I hope I could make jokes in lieu of (or while) shitting my pants and vomiting on myself. Laughing is the only way to get through the tragedy of life.

1. War is still very fucking bad.