One of my favorite traditions during playoff baseball is finding someone new to hate on an opposing team with each successive series. As a Yankee fan, this list has grown to grand proportions in the last 15 years but the beauty of this list is that it does not matter whether the Yankees win or lose the series they are playing, I will always find some player I despise by the end of it. Obviously a loss makes the hate grow stronger. For example, a player like Jose Altuve is public enemy number one. That little shit is so ruthless at the plate, annoying on the base path, and insanely clutch every post season that he could be described as a Yankee killer. That height challenged piece of shit has ruined so many Octobers for me it’s hard to imagine the hate I have for him. It’s so deep in my bones that no amount of chemo could remove it. Keep in mind that the Altuve hate comes from a deep well of respect at how good he is at baseball. But sometimes the hate of an opposing player doesn’t have anything to do with baseball. Sometimes it is completely irrational.
Take this last series against the Gaurdians for instance. I could have hated Jhonkensy Noel for blasting a 2-out home run in the bottom of the 9th to tie up game 3 of the ALCS, but I didn’t. I could have hated David Fry for hitting the game winning blast an inning later, but I didn’t. Instead, throughout the series, I built up such a hatred for their short stop Brayan Rocchio I was practically pacing around every time he got up to bat, calling him Brayan Pinocchio (not my best diss, I admit). And to be honest, I should be thanking this guy. He practically gave us the series with the biggest error of his career. Which now has me thinking…
Does my irrational hate give the Yankees a boost? I’m not the most superstitious person on the planet, I’m more like Luke Weaver…just stitious.
So what I’d like to do is preview this World Series and try to predict a top three of Dodgers players I will end up hating for the rest of their career and why. Only time will tell, and the next 4 7 games will drum up so much hatred in my heart I’ll have to go to confession to get it at all out.
#3 – Teoscar Hernandez
I probably should like Teoscar Hernandez. He’s Dominican, he’s good at baseball, and his story of coming up in the league is filled with successes and failures, which I normally love in a ball player. His Instagram is filled with pictures of his wife and three sons. He always has a smile on his face. And for some reason…I think I’m going to hate him this series.
Maybe this one has something to do with baseball. He did smack a grand slam off the Yankees back in June and maybe I have some sort of trauma associated with that. I was also at the 2-1 Yankees loss against the Dodgers where Teoscar hit in the game winning runs in a scoreless 11th inning. I can see Teoscar being a name we keep on hearing this series but, that’s the problem…
I can’t stand his name.
Te-Oscar.
I’m not the most fluent in Spanish but ‘te’ means ‘you’ in most Spanish sentences. For example, ‘te amo’ means ‘I love you’. So what does his name mean? You Oscar? Oscar you? I’m Oscar? Who?
The name Teoscar just grinds my gears and puts my tongue into a pretzel and for that reason, I will hate Teoscar Hernandez this series. It won’t help his case if he decides to play well.
#2 – Will Smith
This one is easy, and another name related hatred. But really, I hate Will Smith because of his parents. Catcher Will Smith was born in 1995. You know what movie came out in the year 1995? Bad Boys, starring the WILL SMITH. You would think that with the last name Smith you would learn by 1995 that the first name William was out of the fucking question. I don’t care if the name William has been in your family for generations, you end it when the reign of the Will Smith begins.
I’m happy they were repaid by the Will Smith turning into a lunatic. That’s what you get when you name your kids the same name as a global superstar. My goal in naming my kids was to try and poke holes at ANY way they could be made fun of. I had to put the kibosh on hundreds of names after figuring out ways ruthless youngsters would ridicule my poor daughters. They have it hard enough…I got called Alex PukeA my entire life.
The best worst part about Will Smith is not even his first or last name. It’s his middle name. William DILLS Smith. Really? We’re naming our kids after pickles now? If the name didn’t conjure up hate in you, let’s take a look at young Willy.
Yup, hateable. Mainly because he makes me feel old as fuck. Look at that baby face. To add to the hate, after looking Will Smith up (and having to scroll through a thousand articles about the Will Smith and his insufferable family) it turns out he was a Red Sox fan as a kid. Yuck!
#1 – Freddie Freeman
I have a theory about the mouth, and teeth in particular. There is a sweet spot of how trust worthy a person is based on their teeth. The two ends of the distribution are perfect teeth and atrocious teeth. In the middle are just normal people with normal teeth and on both ends are the least trustworthy people you can find. A perfect set of chicklets means you are either:
a) a health freak
b) genetically superior (and annoying)
or
c) you’re so self-conscious you got them done.
I find all three of these disqualifying in my trusting you as a human being. The same goes for really fucked up teeth. Either:
a) you don’t give a fuck
b) you’re inbred.
The only person who gets away with it in the latter category is Austin Powers.
With that being said, Freddie Freeman falls into category one. What a perfect set of hateable chompers…
I wouldn’t trust my kids being baby sat by Freddie Freeman (or any other man for that matter, but I digress). He might come off as a nice family guy, a guy who wanted to stay in Atlanta, a guy who cried when he returned to Atlanta, a hard working baseball player, but behind that smile and those devilish eyebrows is a stone cold killer. Whether that is on the baseball diamond or in his personal life only time will tell. But I do not like Freddie Freeman, I do not trust Freddie Freeman, and I am sure by the end of next week I will hate Freddie Freeman.
Honorable Mentions:
Walker Buehler
Andy Pages
Kevin Kiermaier
Enrique (Kike) Hernandez
As Bob Costas would say…"and that’ll do it.”
Thanks for reading.
P.S. – I fucking loathe Costas entirely.
P.P.S. – The player I actually hate the most on the Gaurdians is Josh Naylor. Guy just oozes dirtbag.
P.P.P.S. – The real reason I hate Freddie Freeman is that my Nana loves the Mets which means I hated to watch her heart get ripped out every year by the Braves.
P.P.P.P.S. – If I met any of these guys in real life I would shake their hands and tell them it has been a pleasure to watch them. It’s easy to hate from the comfort of your own home in the haze of war the playoffs. This post is all in good fun.
P.P.P.P.P.S. – Just kidding. I fucking hate these guys.
> I f***ing loathe Costas entirely
what? more than John Smoltz? impossible.
Yes. Tailgating in section 28. Hopefully will see you there.