No One Man Should Have All That Meatloaf

*Kanye voice*

I know what you’re thinking. No man should have meatloaf at all. The name ‘meatloaf’ alone gives off the grossest connotations my brain can contrive. When I hear the word meatloaf I think of the grotesque (and awesome) singer, stuffed like a turkey, and thrown in the oven for 3 hours at 350 degrees. After doing a few seconds of research it looks like the Germans came up with this dish, which isn’t surprising. Of all the bad ideas ze Germans have come up with, this has to be the worst. “Let’s put za bunch of meat in ze pan and make it look like ze loaf of bread, ya?!” I saw one German recipe where they fill the center with boiled eggs. I don’t know if you could create a less appetizing dish if you were trying to. The best German product is beer and whoever decided to make meatloaf for the first time was clearly hammered off a few too many Spatens.

But the way my wife and her mother make meatloaf is the way that they named the movie Funny People¹. It’s the exact opposite of what it sounds like. The loaf of meat is stuffed with layered cheese and ham so that when it comes out the middle looks like a heart stopping cinnabun. On top there is another layer of melted cheese. A more proper name would be Boeuf Cordon Bleu. It sits in the oven cooking in its own juices and comes out as genuinely one of the best meals I’ve ever eaten.

I’m sure most of you are now convinced I don’t know shit about good food. If meatloaf is one of my favorite meals then my poor taste buds need to get out there and experience the magic of good cuisine. I understand your concern. But do not fret. My pallet is fucking immaculate. My Nana used to cook empanadas in the Dominican Republic out of a cart. She then married a Cuban man who was a chef and restaurant owner who became my mother’s defacto father. He owned a few restaurants in Manhattan and cooked for Fidel fucking Castro whenever he came to New York (when Fidel was still allowed to, of course). Though he died before I was born, Nana learned how to cook all his Cuban dishes. I’ve grown up eating the best food you could possibly imagine and I am a sucker for great homecooked meals.

I’ve become somewhat of a cook myself. It’s the only way I can really bond with my Nana and tie myself to our Hispanic roots. I am a yuppy ass gringo for all intents and purposes. I cannot speak Spanish, I grew up in the suburbs, and I cannot dance the bachata. The way I really feel Hispanic is cooking a ropa vieja or frying up some version of plantains. So when I tell you this meatloaf is to die for, I mean it…and I almost did…

The other night I walked into the house to the amazing smell of the meatloaf in the oven and proceeded to have no less than five thick pieces. When I got up from the table I couldn’t get my back to straighten because my stomach was so filled. I often eat to uncomfortable levels but this was new. It was difficult to walk because my belly had formed into a 6-month-old pregnant woman’s. When my daughter jumped on me to “wrestle” I almost puked on her. I was convinced that I had over done it on meatloaf and that I would never want the meal again. The glorious smell in the house now made me queasy.

Lo and behold, I woke up the next MORNING craving MEATLOAF. It’s just that good. It got me thinking about all the things I should have ruined for myself but haven’t. I tend to take things a step further than the normal person – whether that be a joke or eating or drinking alcohol. I think it has something to do with acquiring a few concussions playing football but I can’t actually be sure. Regardless, here are a few things that I can overdo and not get sick of:

1 – Maduros

Maduros are a type of plantain you make when the bananas have become black as pavement. You cut them up, fry them in oil, and they become the most delicious morsel this mouth has ever tasted. One time I ate two whole plantains worth of maduros, puked, and then ate a third. My family should have started calling me Caligula Muka. It actually has a nice ring to it.

2 – Newsroom (the HBO show - not the actual news)

If you’ve never seen the show Newsroom I HIGHLY suggest you watch it now. Though the show only ran for three seasons it was quite possibly the best television show ever created. It had everything – humor, politics, relationships, current-ish events. I’ve watched the entire show no less than seven times and still tear up at certain parts. What can I say? I’m a sucker for highbrow drama and Fix You by Coldplay (if you’ve watched it, you know). The best part of the entire show is that you think there is no way you can look at Harry from Dumb and Dumber (Jeff Daniels) and believe that he is a top level news anchor. You couldn’t be further from the truth. Jeff Daniels will always be Will McAvoy to me. And Will McAvoy is above and beyond my favorite television show character (I like him even more than Tyrion Lannister). Will McAvoy drinks and he knows things x100. It would behoove the current “news stations” to give the show a watch and then try to emulate it. Maybe they’ll actually start doing the news again.

3 – Reading

There is no better feeling than being sucked into a book. I know this is not the way most people feel, but I’m the moron who still likes to crack open a good old-fashioned paper back. You know what’s even better than finishing a book? Having another one sitting there waiting to be read the minute I’m done. I can even re-read books I love to the point of knowing every sentence like a favorite song (Bright Lights Big City for instance). With two kids it’s been tough to find any spare time to overdose on reading but every time the wife and I hit a vacation sans kids I bring at least four books on the trip that inevitably put my bag over the fifty pound limit. I only end up finishing one.

For all the things I can gorge myself on there are plenty of things that make me sick after the first bite. These are the things that I may nibble on, but afterwards I do not want to touch again.

1 – Chocolate

Oh fuck off with your gasping as you read this. I don’t like chocolate. What of it? The taste just doesn’t do it for me. You mix chocolate with something good, like peanut butter, then I’m in. But chocolate for chocolates sake? Na. I’m good. One bite of just chocolate and I’m satisfied for at least a month.

2 – Politics

I watched Joe Biden walk out on the debate stage last night, wave and say hi to a non-existent crowed, and turned off the debate. Seriously, what are politics anymore? Two morons vying for my vote? I feel like I’m being condescended to at every turn. Unfortunately, this isn’t going to end until November. Someone, anyone, do something – please. It was once the American dream for a kid to look at the leader of our country and say, “I want to be President of the United States.” If any kid says that now they should be checked into a mental facility (or prison) immediately.

3 – Social Media²

I hate bashing people over the head on Instagram, Twitter, and Substack about my writing. Do I want the entire world to read and love my stuff? Sure. Do I like having to post about it every time I write something? No. Because I, like everyone else, get sucked in and when I look up and realize two hours have gone by I want to off myself. The worst part about it is that I know the minute I log on I wont be able to get off. It’s that damn algorithm. They know what I want and boy do they give me it. I can already feel myself getting sick of social media before posting this here piece.

Speaking of this here piece…I guess the entire point of it is really just me trying to rationalize eating so much meatloaf I couldn’t walk. Disgusting, yet satisfying. I’ve begged the wife to put meatloaf in the weekly dinner rotation in exchange for putting a timer on all my social media apps to 30 minutes a day. I’ll be happier and fuller for it. I know I didn’t come up with this groundbreaking theory but sometimes we forget - gorge on the things you like and purge the things you don’t. It’s really that simple.

Babe, wake up. Alex Muka’s new Power video just dropped

1. Funny People is NOT funny. It is very good though.

2. If you like this Substack tell a friend to subscribe. It’s way cooler growing this thing organically than me Hawk Tuahing it all over social media. Word of mouth is dope!