Summer’s Over...So You Can Finally Stop Misplacing Your Wedding Ring

Weekly Shot #22

An Instagram user, who will go by John Doe, posted a picture on his Instagram Story of his wife looking at him with wonder and awe. At first glance, you would think she was looking at her amazing husband wondering how she got so lucky as to marry such a generous, good looking man. I know John Doe. I can attest to his good looks and generosity. But just under her chin was a paragraph. The paragraph read as follows:

She’s wondering how many times I can lose my wedding ring in the Atlantic Ocean.

The wonder and awe in her eyes were not directed at the glory of being married to such an amazing man - the awe was directed at how her husband could be such a moron and the wonder was how in the world she got stuck with him. This is a look that I am all too familiar with. Sometimes, I catch my wife looking at me and think, “Wow, she really loves me. She sees everything I provide for our family; she understands how much I have to sacrifice to make ends meet, she knows the real me and loves me all the more.” Then she fixes one of my eyebrows in disgust and remarks that I haven’t showered in two days. If you, dear reader, are a man and wondering what it’s like to be married, I’ll explain it in one simple sentence: You’re the problem.

Now when it comes to the specific reason John Doe’s wife is looking at him like he’s a complete idiot, I can relate to this whole heartedly. I’ve almost lost my wedding ring no less than a thousand times, and that was just this summer. I look forward to fall and winter where there will be no good reason to take it off and therefore the stress of misplacing it or losing it or finding it once lost will be something I don’t have to worry about.

But for all the men out there who have encountered this particular problem I’ve written out some rules on how to avoid losing your wedding ring and in turn the wrath of your significant other. It’s tough going out there in the world as a husband and we need all the help we can get.

1 – Don’t Do Anything

At first this might sound crazy, but trust me, this really is the only way to not lose your wedding ring. If you don’t do anything there is no way the ring will move or budge or accidentally slip off. Unfortunately, this plan will incur more wrath from your wife than possibly losing the ring itself. One thing you will notice very quickly into married life is that if you as a husband are relaxing, you are in a very dangerous position. The minute your wife sees you doing nothing she will find something for you to do. The minute I put my feet up, crack open a book, and begin to enjoy my time off, there are suddenly thousands of tasks to do around the house. The key to keeping a happy home is to at least pretend like you are doing things at all times.

2 – If You Must Do Something, Do It Poorly

I understand fully that I am outing myself to my wife with this one. But I am doing it for you, dear readers. This is my cross to bear. Jesus sacrificed himself for our sins. I will sacrifice my little secret to the wife so that you all don’t have to.

The way to get out of any work around the house is to do whatever you are tasked with as poorly as possible. This comes natural to me, but for others it might be tough. The less you do the less chance you have of losing your wedding ring, and the more poorly you do something the less you will be asked to do something

Wife needs help nailing in something? Smash a nice fat hole in the wall.

Wife wants to dip her toes into the Atlantic ocean? Splash her a lot when you run in.

Wife wants you to grab a bowl on the top shelf? “Accidentally” drop it.

Remember, we are trying to avoid the biggest mistake of all, which is losing your wedding ring. Also remember, losing your wedding ring is tantamount to cheating. Once, I forgot to put my wedding ring on after taking a shower. The wife and I went out and she noticed it wasn’t on.

“What, are you embarrassed of me?” she asked.

“No,” I said. “Considering I’m literally out with you and got married in front of a hundred people to you and had two kids with you. I couldn’t be more proud to be…”

“Then why do you always forget your wedding ring?”

This is what we’re trying to avoid fellas.

Godspeed.

P.S. If you do lose your wedding ring here is what I suggest:

1-      Run

2-      Never come back

3-      Get remarried

4-      Start a new family

5-      Pray to the good Lord you don’t lose your ring in the second marriage because then you’ll have to repeat steps 1-4 enroute to a third.

P.P.S. - John Doe is a friend of mine’s older brother. When we were at the ripe old age of 12 John Doe showed his brother all the good new rap music. Needless to say, when I started playing Shake Ya Ass at home my parents were none too pleased, but I have to thank John Doe for widening my musical pallet. Between Mystikal and the famous Miami Hurricanes song We Ballin Boys I can never thank him enough.

P.P.P.S - The above video has me in tears at my beloved Notre Dame’s loss this past weekend. A post coming soon on the eternal sadness of being a Notre Dame fan.