Weekly Shot #13 - Memorial Day & Dating A Literary Agent

For anyone wondering, it is insanely hard to get a book published the traditional way. There are so many hurdles besides the main one, which is writing an entire (good) book, that your head starts to spin. But the first hurdle after you’ve written your masterpiece novel is getting a book agent. I have not gotten past this hurdle. Sometimes it gets me down. Sometimes I have an unreasonable amount of hope. Every day the emotions run high and low after you’ve sent your query letter into the void. I was thinking about the lows this weekend. I’ve been at it for a long time (trying to get an agent for my first book for over a year) and still have yet to find an agent who’s willing to put their ass on the line by signing me. It’s hard. It’s demoralizing. I feel like I’m in the trenches taking grenades, John.

You selfish sonofabitch.

But this weekend in particular I thought…what is hard? Whining on Memorial Day weekend when I am supposed to be celebrating men and women who gave their life, not their time or their money, but their fucking life for something bigger than them, seems wrong. It’s good to put things into perspective and to realize what I’m doing isn’t hard at all. It’s tedious, it’s disheartening, but hard? Na, it’s not hard. It’s actually comical. Which brings me to an article I read by

CeCe Lyra

(a literary agent) about how querying an agent is like dating (and certainly not like fighting in a war).  How Querying a Novel Can Feel Like Dating

So here are 7 out of the 75+ rejections that I’ve gotten, or as I like to call them war stories, and how they can be translated to the dating terminology we all know and understand.

1 - “I don't think I'm quite the right agent for the book.”

This is the legendary “It’s not you, it’s me” line. If you’ve seen that episode of Seinfeld then just imagine I’m George. Though it is uncouth to respond to these rejections, what I want to reply back is, “I don’t think I’m quite the right writer for you.” It’s not you, it’s me. I invented ‘it’s not you it’s me’. If it’s anyone, it’s me.

You’re damn right it’s me.

2- “I've now had a chance to review your query and I'm sorry to say I don't feel I'm connecting wholeheartedly with your writing, despite its many charms.”

I’ve been Friend Zoned here. Despite my charms, the only place I have on this date is that fat and/or funny friend. There is no chance of moving on to the next stages of copulation and possible marriage. I might be charming, but not enough to be seen with this person in public.

3- “The pages you sent had promise. Unfortunately, however, I will not be offering representation for the title at this time, though it seems like it will be a great read.”

Well, read it then? Just a thought. But in the dating world this is, “You seem like the perfect guy for me and I’m afraid you might be TOO perfect.” We’ve all heard that one before (I mean, I haven’t but people have told me they’ve heard this before). This usually comes when a guy is too nice or it seems like he’s got all the things a woman should want but in reality does not. I don’t think I’ve ever come off as too nice, which is why I’ve never received this dating rejection, but this brings me to my next rejection which I have totally gotten in real life…

4- “I love the concept of this novel and there is a lot in these opening pages that really compelled me. That said, I ultimately didn't fully connect with the voice; I know our narrator is supposed to be "unlikeable," at least at first, and while sometimes that really works for me, I found myself having a hard time getting on board in this case.”

Some men and women are attracted to assholes. It’s okay to say that, right? But some assholes take it too far. This is the case with myself (and my character, it seems?). In dating terms, this person may have been attracted to your asshole-ness but doesn’t see it going any further than a hookup. This particular agent had the decency to give me some constructive criticism just as I’m sure this date would do the same: “That was fun, but it won’t be happening again.”

5- “If you ever find yourself pitching something new, you are welcome to query me again.”

This one means you are just not up to the standards of the person you are on a date with. Maybe if you do something about that hair (like growing more of it) or get a promotion they’ll give you a second chance, but the current iteration of you is just not it. This date does not do mid-level executives, they are looking to move on up in this world. This can either crush you into thinking you are not good enough or inspire you to become a better version of yourself. Once you are that better version of yourself, and this person comes knocking on your door for another date, you should shut that door and stay with someone who loved you at your lowest.

6- “From a quick glance, I can almost guarantee you the main character's voice is just not something editors are interested in reading in our current cultural climate.”

This is the only one that made me angry, but what are you gonna do? Let’s not forget that in the 1990’s “the voice” of the novel American Psycho was that of an actual PSYCHO. You know, a serial killer who murders hookers sex workers. The main character in my novel is just a normal millennial guy who likes to party (and have consensual sex with women) because he isn’t ready to grow up and settle down. When he’s out partying, and very drunk one night, he thinks he’s found a woman worth changing his ways for. The problem is he blacks out and wakes up in his ex-girlfriend’s bed with no proof the woman he met actually exists (there are no pictures and he can’t find her on Instagram, Twitter, Google, etc…which means she doesn’t actually exist, right?) The main character goes on a week’s long wild (and drunken) goose chase trying to piece the night together, to find her, and to hopefully change his life in the process.¹ THE HORROR!!! IN THIS CULTURAL CLIMATE NO LESS!!! Hello…it’s a dark romantic comedy filled with booze and nonsense (and the way boys are urged into men by the real and imaginary power of a woman) not the inner workings of a sick fuck like Patrick Bateman.

Me after getting another rejection.

But in dating terms, this is like a woman breaking up with you over politics. She finds out you don’t toe the party line (whichever party that is) and now you’re out. You didn’t vote for the Orange Man or the Dead Man and she wants nothing to do with you. How can a relationship last if you don’t agree on something as “important” as politics? P.S. – It can.

Also me after getting another rejection.

7- “Thank you for thinking of me for this project. Although I won't be pursuing representation, I appreciate the opportunity to consider your work and wish you every success with it.”

Now this…this is what my wife should have told me 7 years ago because boy am I a project. I drink too much, I gamble, I like going out with my friends, I like to watch sports…the list goes on and on. Unluckily for her she has taken on this project. At the very least I’m an adoring father and above average husband, even with my myriad of faults, and I think I could be the same for a literary agent, wherever they are.

At the end of the day, I will find an agent who enjoys a charming asshole both in character and author form. And instead of getting down about this fucking slog of trying to find an agent I’ll just remind myself daily that at least I’m not being shot at. Writing, being rejected, and writing some more is easy compared to being in a war. I’ll just keep writing my ass off and see what happens, which is much better than getting my actual ass blown off. Humility is key and agents dole it out like fucking tic-tacs. In a way, I am thankful for it. Wouldn’t want my ego blowing up… (do I really need to add another war analogy?)

1. If you are an agent and this book sounds interesting - let me know! If you are a reader of my Substack and are interested in being a beta reader - let me know!