On Sunday I finally hit the 100 subscriber mark. I could take all the credit for this knowing my pieces are so mind-blowingly brilliant that it was only a matter of time before the world saw my genius stupid Substack, but that wouldn’t be fair. The reason for the uptick in followers was a little email I sent over to the guys at The Fifth Column . For the new followers, you’ve seen this already, but for the OG’s, here is what the email said:
To: The Fifth Column Pod
Subject: Advice on how to NOT grow my Substack
Hi fellas,
Loved the last advice episode and decided I needed some myself.
I wanted some advice on how to NOT grow my Substack. I've been hovering at just under 100 subscribers and would like to keep it that way.
First off, I would HATE for you all to read it and enjoy it.
Here are some articles I am sure you would NOT like and suggest you do NOT read.
Drake & DJ Khaled Concert For Peace
The D*ck Pic (definitely NOT for Kmele )
I would equally HATE if you happened to click on any of these links, liked any of these pieces, and subscribed.
Again, I am looking for advice on how to NOT grow my Substack. Any guidance is greatly appreciated.
Thanks,
Alex Muka
Matt Welch, one of the three hosts, decided it would be a good idea to repost this email even though I clearly stated my intentions of NOT wanting to grow my Substack. This had the opposite effect and here I am, standing on top of a new mountain of followers (+18, thanks for nothing Matt). If you do not listen to the Fifth Column Podcast I highly recommend you start doing so. It’s by far the most sensible and funny place to go for anything politics. The best part about the podcast is that it’s nice listening to guys who are clearly smarter than you but don’t bash you over the head with it. You get the feeling that you could have a drink with these fellas and they wouldn’t make you feel dumb, intentionally at least.
But this was only one of five emails I had sent off that day to various people. I was thinking of interesting ways to not grow my Substack and decided that directly reaching out to people was the best way forward.
The first one was a little missed timed, but I’ll do better next time.
To: Donald Trump
Subject: Have you ever been hungover?
Time: Thursday, 5 PM , May 30th
Hi Donald,
Long time drinker here. I know you’re a lifelong teetotaler, and that you claim to NEVER have had a sip of alcohol, so I thought you might be interested in knowing how it feels to have a hangover. I’m sure the majority of your voting base is familiar with the feeling and it might make you more relatable if you can throw around a couple of terms (or a couple of beers). If you want to get the feel for what it means to be hungover you should start by reading my Substack – Hell or Hangover .
In particular, read the first article I ever wrote: The Hangover Cure
It also might be helpful if you could put together some kind of task force to create a cure for the hangover. I’m sure you would win the election if you promised this in your next campaign speech (along with the day after Super Bowl becoming a national holiday).
Thanks,
Alex Muka
P.S. – hope all goes well with the trial!
Unfortunately, I never received a reply. He must have been busy.
The next email I sent out was less about drinking and more about parenting.
To: Joe Biden
Subject: Advice on parenting
Hi Joe,
Long time fan here. I have come by a little issue and wanted to know if you had some advice.
My two-year-old was caught red handed squirting a water gun at another kid at a birthday party last Saturday. She hit him dead center and though I was proud in the moment, I looked over at my wife who had this face of abject horror. She did not appreciate the good aim or the way the power of the squirt gun almost blasted the hair off the poor boy. As a dad, I was extremely proud that my little girl took the initiative and showed the kid who was boss. My wife did not share my enthusiasm. My daughter denied all allegations against her. She went as far as to deny she was holding the water gun (she’s two for fucks sake, Joe).
I took the gun from her, sat her down, and pretended I was reprimanding her, but really I was giving her a high five. Did I do the right thing Joe? I know you have recently found yourself in a similar situation and just wanted to know if I handled this correctly.
Any advice on this matter would be greatly appreciated.
Thanks,
Alex Muka
P.S. – Hunter might want to read this as I heard he has just become a girl dad himself: So, you're gonna be a girl dad...
There is still no response from Joe at this time.
The last email I sent was more of an apology then anything.
To: Barack Obama
Subject: I’m sorry.
Hi Barack,
I need to come clean. Something has been eating me alive lately and I need to get it off my chest. When I was fifteen I went to the Dominican Republic. Though I do have hundreds of family members there (my grandmother is from the Dominican Republic) I did something so egregious it still pains me to this day. I got my hair braided. I know this is cultural appropriation of the highest order and I apologize. If you want to read more about it you can check out this hilarious piece sincere apology I wrote.
The Do's and Don'ts of Cultural Appropriation
Sorry again,
Alex Muka
I am still waiting to hear back.
My last email was simple and too the point.
To: Mom
Subject: Substack
Hi Mom,
Can you get your friends to subscribe to my Substack? They’ll hate it, but it’s all about the numbers.
Thanks,
Alex
Out of the five emails I sent only the guys at the Fifth Column were nice enough to respond. And though the desired effect of the email was completely misunderstood, I’d like to thank Matt Welch and welcome the new subscribers. I’m sure I wont keep many of you, but I’ll try.
P.S. - tell all your friends that I am working very hard to NOT grow my Substack. Send them this link but make sure you tell them NOT to subscribe. Thanks in advance.
😂
Lmaoo!!!